And at once I knew, I was not magnificent.

This is a beautiful music video. Makes me think of the gypsy dream Soufi and I share. At 21, we are going to travel around Europe for a year with a bunch of hippie friends in a vintage Volkswagen that will be our nest of blankets and wild flowers. We will grow our hair long, wear daisy chains on our heads and no bras under our shirts and mark our bodies with paint and mud and chain smoke fat joints all day while listening to Sigur Ros, Bob Marley, The Beatles, Lykke Li, Tame Impala and lots of beautifully chill, trippy music. Maybe some Arajua or Amateur Takes Control for a little taste of home sometimes. Our brains will be saturated with ganja haze and the year-long high will bring us so many moments of complete euphoria and freedom and uninhibited joy and nights that we can look back on and finally say we felt 'infinite' as we sat by a chilly lake playing guitars and flutes and dancing, unselfconscious and topless, around a large bonfire.

HAHAHAHAHA OKAY HI DON'T TAKE ME TOO SERIOUSLY. This may or may not happen in the near future, but hippie girl and I are allowed to dream ~

I like putting my dreams and musings and the pictures in my mind into words and text that I can read over and over again. Feels a little less surreal and.......... Hahahahaha oh my god please laugh at me I am so self-indulgent haha who the hell cares about my dreams about dancing half naked with a bunch of happy little pot-heads in dreadlocks and out of their minds? I'm in a damn jiwa mood today kennut take it.

Shall take a shower and do some A Maths now gunait.

Light Up Lighten Up

Eid arrived today (or yesterday, rather) and there is a sort of peace in my soul. I didn't visit any houses today, but I did go to see my mother at the hospital. There was a girl there - another patient from the ward. I couldn't tell how old she was but she was very beautiful. Her name is Nurul. I'm not sure what happened to her. She couldn't seem to remember herself. She wore no expression and was barely there at all, but when she was, she talked in a husky, child-like whisper, and moved with an elegant sluggishness. I liked watching her. No one visited her for raya today and she came to sit with us in her quietness and try some of the raya food we brought for my mother. You could see, however expressionless she was, that she was grateful. I felt quite sad.

I wonder what it must be like to be considered 'crazy' or mentally unsound. Do you feel insecure, angry and ostracized or are you just completely oblivious and unfazed? Or is it a gradual transition as you learn to accept it over time? Does logic exist when you're mad? I cannot imagine thinking in a way that is different from the way I've always thought. I can visualize myself as a crazed woman, screaming, talking to myself  and all the things I should typically do as a mad person but I can't imagine what my thoughts would be like. Would I be really confused or would I just see the world completely differently? Is it a sudden switch?

Hmm, the Lykke Li show is in 3 weeks. I can barely wait but I know that time will pass quickly and soon Soufi, Nooranah, Nidia, me and the rest of the beautiful people in the sold-out concert hall will be dance dance dancing to amazing music :') And in the front row too!!! Soufi is my hippie soulmate. We're gonna dress like hippies (though maybe more relevant 21st century sort than the typical 60s) on that day and buy a big bunch of white (if possible) daisies and give them out to fellow Lykke Li lovers, and of course our bb herself :-) I am excited.

I have loved Lykke Li since I was 12 and have always harbored a very strong hope for her to perform in Singapore even though I used to think it unlikely. But now she is really coming and I am so, so thankful. Sometimes I am not sure if I am dreaming. I want to hear the sorrow and the fragile emotion of Time Flies live. I want to see her moving to Dance Dance Dance in her strange but infectious brand of dancing, right in front of me. I want to go crazy for Little Bit and feel the energy of I Follow Rivers reverberating in my chest hollow. I want to watch her sing into her megaphone for I'm Good I'm Gone!!!!! Sigh. This is real, right? I'm not kidding myself? Because I am so happy. I really am. And if I were to wake up tomorrow to realise that this is all a dream or that I am actually insane and delusional, I will need a very, very big cleaver.

kush

Sleep as the goer
the bridge that watches the light speed through
and cries while the spirit stumbles
and inside missile for the protection of you

maybe it's silent
the voice can't bear anymore strain
but speak without even knowing
and streams outside in the direction of truth

there's no reason there's no secret to decodeif you can't save it, leave it dying on the road
wide open arms can feel so cold
so cold
feel so cold

balance the books, the ledges, the loons
the disappointed look on the faces
that squint at the moon
let's see it with shadows enhance
and then vote to decide who'll advance
silver jet plane, making a turn
exciting the brain that expects it to crash and then burn
it's not the life lesson I'd've guessed
if you're conscious you must be depressed
or at least cynical
but someone might still eat the steaks
even if they're tough
spending the day
chewing the fat
floating away isn't roguh but it's not enough
oh marianne, pass me the joint
the sandpaper's tan
go-getters are surfing the point
and london's a cratch on the lens
it's over before it begins
silk 'round her neck falls down to her shoulders
the older I get, the more I suspect there's a trick
but really there's no trip at all
that doesn't result in a fall
or a faltering
but something might spit out the bait
even if it's real
rolling away
missing a spoke
close to the ground like a wheel but it's not a joke
holding the line
clutching the phone
nobly wasting the night, but it isn't right
it's not right
smelling for blood
praying for rain
running away isn't rough, but it's not enough

the low tide is telling me, when it's over,
to breathe in everything exposed
and comes back to cover me with a blanket
being here's always changing tunes

the empty sky surrounds me but i can't see at all
wide open arms can feel so cold
and you can sit beside me and tell me what it's
worth
but I hope I die before i get sold
I hope I die before I get sold
I'd rather die before I get sold

if you find the soul that you lost
frozen in a starry void
take it within and hope the sight of blood
can will signs of life to return
back to the way that it was
long before it made a noise
to keep on quietly reminding you
what's never created or destroyed

wake as the swell peaks
the close-outs drowning the birds with roars
and howls scare the new unkindness
that picks and laughs at the carrion scene

forces you see breath can always go into hiding
and wait 'til it passes over
or stay far gone for all eternity

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love Siberian Breaks by MGMT.

Am currently trying to neaten the house up a bit for Raya. I doubt we'll be very festive this year. My mother spoils too many things.

my dream girl has slit her wrists

Hur hur hello there have you watched Beetlejuice? It is a Time Burton film from the 80s and it is funny and entertaining enough but holy shite this guy up here is the most annoying grating agonizingly irritating character I have seen!!!! I like his suit though.

Anyway.

Prelims have come at last and it is like a slap in the face........ of which the pain I am more likely to ignore in defiance and spite than back down submissively. In other words, I have begun to worry, but I am not studying. Math Paper 1 on Wednesday was fine, Malay yesterday was um enjoyable, today's Lit and SS were a whole lot of bullshit sigh.

Things I want to tell you:
1. SOUFI AND I HAVE ROW A, CAT 1 SEATS FOR LYKKE LI FUCK YEZ MOTHAFUCKAZ THAT IS CORRECT WE ARE FUCKING FRONT ROW.

2. I need a really scary horror movie right now. Everything I've been watching has been disappointing in terms of creepiness and memorability. The past week I have watched 1967's The Omen and its sequel Damien: Omen II, 28 Days Later, Devil, The Final Destination, Saw... I was laughing more than I was scared. And umm Saw.... I don't mean to hurt your feelings but like, where the fuck is your gore?!? Sigh. The only film I am really afraid of to this day is that French film Inside. I watched it halfway last year and couldn't bear to continue because there was too much blood, it felt too real and everything was just so... hopeless.

3. My school week ended in a haze with Soufi today. I feel serene. I like chill outings with mah hippie girl <3

4. My momma's back in the hospital. Things are better now.

5. I desperately need to go shopping really soon, for my well of things to cover my body with has long run dry.

6. Baybeats last week with Nadhirah and Soufi and the rest of the youth population was pretty damn good.

sigh

"My mother promised me she wouldn't allow herself to get a relapse this year. Said she didn't want me to have to worry about it so I could focus on my Os. It was probably time to quit all that rubbish anyway. I've been dealing with this for 14 of my 16 years of living and I - and everybody else too - have honestly had enough. Well. Guess what. She's in the hospital because she gave herself to the temptation of that high again.

My mother suffers from bipolar or manic depression. She gets more manic than depressed, and it is quite terrifying to see her change into a whole new person when she is ill. She becomes extremely loud, annoying, volatile, and after a while, delusional. There are signs to look out for when she's starting to get ill. Her eyes become borderline demonic. There's this weird light in them and they are taunting, provocative. She laughs at everything and her laugh is hysterical and hangs in the air and at the bottom of your stomach like dead weight. Her speech is vulgar, crude and offensive. Sometimes she runs away from home and we cannot find her for a month."

I wrote that blog post a few weeks back the first time she got sick this year and never finished it. She recovered from that episode, but not fully I guess, because now she's in KL with a friend and has slipped into a relapse. I cried like a bitch today. Screamed all my anger away because the house was empty and it was okay. It was exhausting but it felt good. Now I just want to take a cold shower, clean up my bedroom and make something for dinner.

You know what really sucks? It's that at times like this, there are so many mean and probably unforgivable words I am ready to spit at her face. They are angry and hurtful but they are true and I think she should know that everyone else goes through as much, if not more, suffering than she does when she is ill. She says she enjoys how uninhibited she is when she's high, for goodness' sake! At times like this I just really want to scream at her, maybe throw a chair at her, but every time she comes down from her high and goes into that depression that closes off every manic episode, I cannot bring myself to tell her how fucking pissed off and disappointed I am in her. I tell people I am used to it, that I don't feel anything because it's been happening every fucking year since I was two but honestly, this is the only thing that hurts anymore.

Do you know what it feels like to have a mother who is mentally ill? Everyone throws the word crazy, mad, and oh my god bipolar around like it's hilarious, it's one big fucking joke. I try to laugh at the ridiculousness of my mother's antics and craziness because it is one way for me to cope, but fuck this shit I can't take it anymore.

All my life, my grandma has been saying that it'll be especially difficult on me when she's gone. Her words have never really felt as threatening as it does now. My grandma is in her 70s and she's still the one who settles and fixes everything when my mother is ill. I admire her so much because she is honestly the strongest person I have ever met. Her temper may be terrifying and I may have had my fights with her but I admire her so much for her spirit. She's 70. I've always thought of her as being in her early 60s. She's been mentioning more often that her time may come soon, and it scares me a lot because I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. I love her, I really do.

You know, in most cases, the fluctuating moods can be controlled after about 10 years. Relapses are supposed to occur less frequently as time goes by and after a while, not at all. In my mother's case, they are happening more often and are becoming more serious. She's learned to hide her symptoms well and it fucking blows that I have to live my life looking out for clues that she might be getting high. I have to listen to her conversations with others, check if she's been sleeping at night, take note of what she's been doing. Fucking hell, who's the mother here man?

I am going to buy my Lykke Li tickets on Wednesday. 5% off for opening day of sales + I end school at 10 because of prelims. Let's look on the bright side~~~~~~~

o my exam-related woes

I am such a boring person. I spent my Sunday lying around on my (still) unmade bed playing stupid games on my mom's iphone. Can someone teach me how to be more fun :( Okay actually, can someone teach me how to be boring in a more productive way? I haven't been studying for my prelims and I have no idea where to start. I'm so distracted. I don't actually know by what but I can't focus. I've been really unmotivated too. It's like I don't even want to do well for my exams. Is this giving up? Hahaha I'm scared. I shall start studying after buka. Will. I'll organise my stuff too. Maybe put up more inspirational words and whatever on my board. Sigh. Fucking school.

Tame Impala - Half Full Glass of Wine

I really like this video. Just need a pot of mushroom tea and I'm good to go wo0o0ooo00o~

Anyway, my essay was bullshit yesterday. Spaced out the whole time and had no clue what I was doing. I wrote about Singapore lol lol lol I don't even know. I didn't finish it. Mr Fi told me (as he tells me after every english paper) to stop dreaming and write faster hahaha. I'm gonna do horribly for prelims. But fuck it I don't really care.

sweet honey soft heart

So I've been busying myself with making that zine that I've been wanting to write for so long. It's called #1: Young & In Lust and I have no idea what that's supposed to mean hahaha. Perhaps it's just a reflection of how I have never loved, only lusted after? Haha this is self-indulgence at its best but it's OK. Anyway I have been desperately clawing my way around Photoshop and InDesign cause I've never actually thought to use these programs before, but it's been fun. 

I did the cover last night and now I'm working on the introduction. I've got the plan for it written out somewhere in one of my sketchbooks but I remember how ambitious it was. 20+ pages I think! Shall trim off stuff and condense it into something lighter. 

Anyway, I didn't go to school today. I woke up too late and decided I couldn't be bothered. Got a scare when someone tweeted about the mother tongue papers' results being released today but it turns out to be tomorrow so thank god. I'll spend the day writing stuff for the zine, take that as practice for tomorrow's English prelims. I yam excitez :>

(this has been good at taking my mind off stuff)

Now listen to Lykke Li. She's wonderful wonderful wonderful this song gives me chills.

drink you up

Lykke Li's beautiful face on my desktop to remind me of September 21st. Not that I think I'd forget about it, but it always feels nice to close all the windows at the end of the day and think that yes, something amazing is going to happen and life isn't all that bad. It's one of the few things that's keeping me going. I'm not sure what I'd do without good music. 

I don't know if it's a good idea to detach myself even more than I already have from everything but I think that's what I need to do, cause it's gonna hurt if I don't. I need to stop hoping. Or maybe I just need to be more impulsive and work up the courage to fight for what I want. I'm always so afraid. Sigh. I wish I was more like you.

I need to do work today. Haven't been studying at all. English prelims this Friday and I'm kind of worried. I have never been very good at working within a time limit.

Here is Empire of the Sun's Walking on a Dream. 

like you to stay, want you to be my prize

"It was a green liquid that had corrupted her. She had first ingested it unaware a long time ago, when she had wistfully wished that she was as beautiful as a friend in school. It was clear then, this poison - just barely green-tinted when you held it up to the sun. However, as Sofia grew, the toxicity that coursed through her veins became less and less dilute. By the time she was sixteen years old, it had become a dark, bitter green that her infected heart pumped all the way to the thread-fine capillaries in her fingertips and toes."

Part of an essay I did on jealousy for school. Today I am Sofia.

sorrow's in my honey, in my milk

So we had national day celebrations today. It was as good as school celebrations get I guess (read: not very). I've been having strange dreams that I really enjoy in sleep and in the first few seconds of consciousness but after that and for the rest of the bloody day they are disturbing and unsettling just like a fucking stanley kubrick film. I honestly think his ghost is directing my dreams.

I'm really tired of everything right now. I think I need to cry or something. Never been good at that.

cause sorrow's the only lover I've ever known

-cue throat clearing-

Hey there fellas.

LYKKE LI IS FUCKING COMING TO SINGAPORE IN SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O* *O*

Yes. Basking in this temporary high for a while. Hope to go for her concert with my beautiful hippie girl Soufi <3 It has been a good weekend but I must be forgiven and I must forgive. Also, Ramadhan has always given me good things and for that I am very grateful.

May life treat us all well.

it's okay to eat fish cause they don't have any feelings

I feel terrible. I don't actually know what depression feels like but right now I think I'd just like to exaggerate a bit and say: I feel fucking depressed. I skipped school today. I couldn't really take the thought of all that studying. I think it is almost safe to say that I have lost all interest in school. I don't know. I just hate the education system so much. The other day my teacher was saying that although it she doesn't exactly like it, the truth is that our society judges intelligence based on ability to do maths, and therefore we must! strive to get a distinction for it. Yeah, way to end the stereotyping cycle.

I was supposed to go watch Mother by Royston Tan and Tarnation by Jonathan Caouette with Nadhirah on the 12th of August at the Singapore Art Museum. I was interested in most of the Home Movies they were screening weekly, but I was especially interested in this particular screening because of its Mother theme. In addition, Tarnation is about the director trying to cope with growing up with a schizophrenic mother, as well as being homosexual. The whole 'crazy' mother idea has always been something I found interesting and something I could relate to. As a child one of my favourite books was called A Mother to Embarrass Me. The protagonist's mother in the book wasn't crazy crazy but holy shit was she crazy. Ah but after all the excitement, we found that the screening is M18 so we're going for the 19th's Bare and I for India instead. We'll also be heading to Esplanade for Baybeats. I wanted to see Arajua but their set clashes with the film. I guess they'll have other gigs I could go to, right?

Today is also the start of Ramadhan. It's about T - 90mins to maghrib, when we can break our fasts. I can't wait.



Something In The Way by Nirvana for today's Monday sadness.