sigh

"My mother promised me she wouldn't allow herself to get a relapse this year. Said she didn't want me to have to worry about it so I could focus on my Os. It was probably time to quit all that rubbish anyway. I've been dealing with this for 14 of my 16 years of living and I - and everybody else too - have honestly had enough. Well. Guess what. She's in the hospital because she gave herself to the temptation of that high again.

My mother suffers from bipolar or manic depression. She gets more manic than depressed, and it is quite terrifying to see her change into a whole new person when she is ill. She becomes extremely loud, annoying, volatile, and after a while, delusional. There are signs to look out for when she's starting to get ill. Her eyes become borderline demonic. There's this weird light in them and they are taunting, provocative. She laughs at everything and her laugh is hysterical and hangs in the air and at the bottom of your stomach like dead weight. Her speech is vulgar, crude and offensive. Sometimes she runs away from home and we cannot find her for a month."

I wrote that blog post a few weeks back the first time she got sick this year and never finished it. She recovered from that episode, but not fully I guess, because now she's in KL with a friend and has slipped into a relapse. I cried like a bitch today. Screamed all my anger away because the house was empty and it was okay. It was exhausting but it felt good. Now I just want to take a cold shower, clean up my bedroom and make something for dinner.

You know what really sucks? It's that at times like this, there are so many mean and probably unforgivable words I am ready to spit at her face. They are angry and hurtful but they are true and I think she should know that everyone else goes through as much, if not more, suffering than she does when she is ill. She says she enjoys how uninhibited she is when she's high, for goodness' sake! At times like this I just really want to scream at her, maybe throw a chair at her, but every time she comes down from her high and goes into that depression that closes off every manic episode, I cannot bring myself to tell her how fucking pissed off and disappointed I am in her. I tell people I am used to it, that I don't feel anything because it's been happening every fucking year since I was two but honestly, this is the only thing that hurts anymore.

Do you know what it feels like to have a mother who is mentally ill? Everyone throws the word crazy, mad, and oh my god bipolar around like it's hilarious, it's one big fucking joke. I try to laugh at the ridiculousness of my mother's antics and craziness because it is one way for me to cope, but fuck this shit I can't take it anymore.

All my life, my grandma has been saying that it'll be especially difficult on me when she's gone. Her words have never really felt as threatening as it does now. My grandma is in her 70s and she's still the one who settles and fixes everything when my mother is ill. I admire her so much because she is honestly the strongest person I have ever met. Her temper may be terrifying and I may have had my fights with her but I admire her so much for her spirit. She's 70. I've always thought of her as being in her early 60s. She's been mentioning more often that her time may come soon, and it scares me a lot because I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. I love her, I really do.

You know, in most cases, the fluctuating moods can be controlled after about 10 years. Relapses are supposed to occur less frequently as time goes by and after a while, not at all. In my mother's case, they are happening more often and are becoming more serious. She's learned to hide her symptoms well and it fucking blows that I have to live my life looking out for clues that she might be getting high. I have to listen to her conversations with others, check if she's been sleeping at night, take note of what she's been doing. Fucking hell, who's the mother here man?

I am going to buy my Lykke Li tickets on Wednesday. 5% off for opening day of sales + I end school at 10 because of prelims. Let's look on the bright side~~~~~~~