boobies 4 u

 

Have been trying to work on my human figures the past two nights. I need to learn how to draw hands for I am terrible at hands. I also need to start drawing my people in more complex and less stiff poses. But I guess that aside, I am quite happy at my progress. Sleeping with swollen eyes tonight.

let it fall

Today it is cold and the joints in my fingers and toes are aching. I feel like Os are sucking the life out of me. This all ends in exactly 3 weeks from today, so happiness & freedom, until then, dear friends.

Yesterday I went to meet Soufi after I visited my grandfather at the hospital. The Botanical Gardens train station was only a few stops from NUH's Kent Ridge station on the circle line and Soufi was getting off work soon, so I headed to Cluny Court. We got a bag of honey dijon chips + a french onion dip and pink fanta at the supermarket and went to the Botanical Gardens to chill. It started to rain as we walked around so we sat under a pavillion eating and talking until the rain stopped.

I want to have a picnic there once I start work. Cluny Court is a zebra crossing away from the new entrance to the gardens and Soufi and I can go in the afternoon after a lunch shift. I hope it'll be sunny, especially since we have now eased into rain season. But if it is not, that's still fine - we know a really cozy spot in the cactus gardens for rainy day picnics where you don't get wet and icky. We could bake scones and fairy cupcakes with pink glitter and bring cucumber sandwiches and tea. I'm going to have a garden in my house when I own one, just so I can have cute little picnics with my kids right outside my door. I'll have my own vegetable and herb garden too. Maybe I'l even grow THE herb eh? ;)

Mr Devendra Obi Banhart is tending to my heavy heart today. I love him and his magnificent moustache. I realise I have taken a liking to long hair on men. I find dreads the sexiest. And then I like the dark, messy shoulder length style + nice 'stache and beard combination. A close third is an afro or like, curly Pascal Grob hair. It's like, I'd shag the guy with the afro, and I'd date the one with the beard and live with him for a couple of years in a sparsely furnished apartment with white walls and dark wood floors, but I'll marry the boy with dreadlocks and we'll live happily ever after listening to Papa Marley everyday and bringing up hippie children.

i wanna go surfing

Hahahahahahahaha the English paper was diSaPPoinTinG........... I declare myself officially incapable of writing under pressure. All of the essays that I have ever been proud of writing took me a few days to write, never an hour or whatever. That puts me in a lot of trouble because the essays that actually count, that actually determine my bloody future(!!!!) I must write in only 45 minutes. I couldn't think today. I really hope paper 2 makes up for my untimely inability to use my brain during paper 1.

Sigh.

Someone has planted a little guilt seed in my chest and it is sprouting and fast and digging its roots into my heart and I seriously feel like dirt tonight (hahaha can I consider that a pun???? ..no? sigh okay). Part of me is almost begging to burst into ugly stupid sobbing to lighten this uneasiness, but meh, what is done is done. I'll just sigh despairingly in the corner 6000000000 times instead.

Listening to lots Spacemen 3 and Pink Floyd and Jimi Hendrix tonight. This is Mary Anne by Spacemen 3.

we could stick around and see this night through

Noon time on the Saturday before my first O level paper. I just blew my nose and it felt like some part of my ear exploded.

I am looking forward to next year's Laneway Festival. I was really hoping that Portugal. The Man would come to Singapore after seeing the band in the Australia line-up, but I guess if they were only going for the Syndey and Melbourne stops anyway, I couldn't be too hopeful that they'd come here. It's alright, though. I'm still excited that Feist is coming. And M83 and Girls and The Drums and The Pains of Being Pure at Heart. I'll give the other bands that are coming a listen too. Right now I am listening to We Bros by Wu Lyf and I think I like it :-) I also need to start learning the words to Feist's new album before she comes in February.

I'll be starting work a month from now. I didn't really know what sort of cafe Relish was when I signed up for the job, but I've been reading up and it's apparently a pretty expensive burger place. Like $18 a burger sort of expensive hahaha. Do we get free meals? Cause I'd really like to try the tofu + portobello mushroom burger! I've been craving veggie burgers, specifically Cafe Salivation's spinach burger. I need to learn how to make it myself because Salivation is so out of the way :-( It's down the road from Mustafa and my family aren't very Mustafa people.

I think we're rearranging the room today. We're painting the walls at the end of the year but we decided we still need a quick change of scenery til then.

I want to watch Martha Marcy May Marlene.

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off uwoohohhh

Today I was a good little nerd and did some studying. Well, okay I was forced to. My mom realised I wasn't doing enough revision for my Os even by her standards. She took me out to lunch at Cafe Le Caire on Haji Lane and we ate and then I did math. Directly under a speaker blaring arab music but issokay my concentration is very good. Just.. not at home when I have the laptop and the telly and the bed and like, a refrigerator I can open every 20 minutes. My mother turned on her laptop and watched videos of toddlers dancing and updated her facebook status to pass the time.

 Today, I wore the super cool necklace that Pei Shan got me for my birthday. It has a suitcase and an aeroplane charm and it is beautiful. This is my favourite gift this year (although my mom's sponsoring more than 1/2 of my Lykke Li tix might be a bit of a competitor) because Pei Shan said she got it because she thought that hippies might like traveling awww :') She also says she'll buy me a caravan when she's rich. I love my Petom.

 My mother went back out for supper with a friend a while after we came home. Room all to myself, a secret solitary Flaming Lips singalong sesh commenced. I then sang along to some MGMT, Florence & The Machine, Bon Iver, Yeah Yeah Yeahs (I realise they all have very distinct singing styles. Andrew has a sort of constipated falsetto thingy going on, Justin Vernon's got his weepy weepy sorrow shit, Karen O's a bit like Andrew but  more... Karen O and more sex & Florence is airy fairy then big and intense k bye)... Hmm it was somewhere in the midst of spasm-dancing to a creepy lyricless song of M83's when somehow I decided to do this. Yeah I don't know either.....

I guess today I am quite content. Also, I like red lipstick. And I like tying scarves around my head. And I went out without eyeliner today and it felt good (haven't done that in a while cause I felt yux without it).
But then right, I keep getting only 70% for my math practice paper 1s >:( My paper 2s are worse. I scared lah.

hek

My shoes (+ a sick me). So lovely in all their tackiness ♥ I'll wear them with socks. They look pretty cute with my pink polka dot socks, but maybe for prom I'll wear less fussy navy blue ones.


K so I have my fairy godmother shoes, my blue studded oxfords and theseeeeeeeee. From now on I shall refer to them as my clown shoes.











Ok....... I just realised....... I don't even take my shoes seriously anymore what is my life going to be????




EDIT: They are knockoffs of these Prada shoes:

Can lah ah.

ugly post about a nice day

Soufi and I have really awesome adventures together. Somehow, everytime we go out together we end up with really cool experiences and encounters with interesting people. Maybe it's that when we go out we walk everywhere and nothing is very planned. Sometimes we get into really hippie philosophical moods and get carried away by how it's the positivity and being at peace and stuff like that, but don't mind us.

I've gotten a little lazy to write everything in detail like I tend to do, so here goes a summary in point form of a good day I'd like to remember. It might still be long though. (Sorry can't help maself)

• Both Soufi and I got jobs at a cool little cafe/restaurant called Relish at Cluny Court in Bukit Timah! The job interview was kind of spur of the moment and we were nervous but it turned out to be very.. not serious and the boss was joking around a lot. He kept making stupid references to the scarf I tied around my head and my Mr Bean earrings and how it was good that we were single cause we could work more... Soufi starts tonight and I start on 21st November, after I clear all my papers.

• After that, we went to Bugis and had lunch at Banquet before heading to Bali Lane, where Soufi's friend Rachel wanted Soufi to model for a streetstyle editorial shoot that was her school work. Rachel's photographer was sort of involved in Port Tumasik so we were able to use the space for the shoot. Soufi and another of her friends, Amalina, were given sort of sleepwear on the streets kind of outfits and we went downstairs and I watched them take pictures on Bali Lane and stuff. Then Rachel said my outfit would work too and she asked me to sit on this broken wooden chair among like bushes and plants for the photo. There were mosquitoes.

• One of the other models, Joelle, was really cute! She practically whispers everything she says and she came in jeans, a red top and a trench coat tied loosely at the waist and John Lennon dark glasses. She gives off that small, shy, intellectual, weird, enigmatic but likeable girl vibe, yknow? She goes to Lasalle with Rachel.

• Soufi and I went to Haji Lane afterwards. I now have my prom dress and it's not very prom-y but I'm taking advantage of the 'smart-casual' dress code to come in something that I could still wear on casual days. Got it at Modparade and it's black and white and I am PRAYING that no one else bought it because I mean, what if someone thought that Modparade would be somewhat obscure enough for no one else to buy their dress there, much less buy the exact same one? Then prom will suck for me :-( My shoes are also not very prom-y but o what the hell. I got them at Far East for $65 yesterday. They sort of resemble brothel creepers with the platform and the lacing up but they are more.. wacky? Almost clownish? But I like them so ya bye.

• I realise that when Soufi and I shop together we seem to always find the perfect things to buy. Usually I'm really fickle and will not make my decisions fast but with her, I am a pretty damn decisive confident shopper man!!!!!!!!!

• K then after shopping we had a really chill dinner at Cafe La Caire and shared falafel sandwiches, snapple, a pot of mint tea and a banana split. It was a nice dinner huddling together on the carpeted floor with a low table.

• We decided to check out the LP launch party at Port Tumasik that Francis Poon asked us to come to. Soufi's friends who worked there asked us to come meet her but she'd just left when we arrived, so we didn't hang around very long. Wan is one sexy man. He owns Straits Records and has got beautiful dreads that are really, really long and greying. Apparently he's only about 36 or so, though. He looks A LOT like Bob Marley, except his features are sharper. My mental image of Wan is him sitting on a stool outside his shop smoking. Sexily.

• Then we went back to Bugis Junction and we saw a really really hot butch. And then I went home while Soufi went to meet her cousin and then her date~ Hehehe

the demons I fight

Life's been alright. Right now I'm kind of annoyed because my grandmother was being really mean to my brother and I. She's always super nice to me but when my brother comes over, she switches to bitch mode. I've always kind of had a feeling that it's because my brother reminds her of my dad. She holds a pretty big grudge on my father for my parent's divorce, which ultimately led to my mother's bipolar disorder. For as long as I can remember, my grandma has always been extremely mean to my brother. Even as a five year old boy she picked on him, compared him to my father and said she hated him. It was confusing to watch as his seven-year old sister then.

Sometimes I kind of feel like I've grown up without parents. Maybe it's just self-pity, whatever. My father never sees us unless my mother tells him to. Now I think she doesn't even bother anymore. He doesn't call and we don't really want to either. My mother is ill almost every year, sometimes a few times a year, and the whole months of hospitalisation don't really leave that much time with her. She also seems to be getting more... I don't know, it's like she's become a quieter person, like she's retreating into her mind more and more. And while I really enjoy the freedom she gives me because she's so liberal, it almost borders on not caring.

Sometimes I think... maybe the reason why I try to rebel so much is because I've never had anything to rebel against at home. I've never been scolded, never been hit, never been grounded, everything gets the green light. Sometimes I tell her things and hope she gets angry at me, like the other day I told her I've tried smoking. Her eyes fucking lit up and she asked me, "Nice, right?" A few weeks back, she was bragging to our neighbour about how she doesn't want to get involved in her children's education because it's our responsibility. She sounded so proud of herself. I cut in and told her that I had to drop Add Math because I was too stupid for it. She proved her point. She cheerfully said OK and continued talking to the neighbour.

I used to tell my mom she was the best best best best best best mother in the whole wide world. I think it got to her head. Now I shall write about something happy. I'll blog about my Friday with Soufi.

"The only way to be happy is to love. Unless you love, your life will flash by."

I've been trying really hard to be hardworking this past week. I haven't managed to bring myself to do much more than math papers and biology paper 1s and write out my o level schedule. I'm so chill that I'm more worried about not being worried than I am about the exams themselves! But at least in my unproductivity I have been quite happy.

I've been watching nice movies this week. I watched Nowhere Boy and Let Me In a few nights ago and on Monday, I went to catch The Tree of Life with my mother. They only show it once a day and in one cinema in Singapore, so we had no choice but to see it at 9.30 pm. It was 2 hours and 20 minutes long and for some reason there was a delay. We were hoping we wouldn't have to, but we got into a cab. The time for the trip start on the little screen in the taxi read exactly midnight. A minute earlier and we wouldn't have had to pay the 50% midnight surcharge, a minute later and at least it wouldn't have hurt as much!!! :-(

Sigh anyway, The Tree of Life is an unusual film. If you're looking for a clear-cut plot, a narrative neatly presented in chronological order and mindless enjoyment, this may not be the movie for you. It is a film that requires... a lot of patience. And by a lot, I mean you gotta be really zen, man. There is a scene that is basically the formation of the universe (planets and their molten and gaseous surfaces and everything) at the start of time, then the beginning of life in the form of cells, plants, dinosaurs... and it lasts for at least half an hour. Barely any dialogue. This half hour, however, is absolutely mind-blowing because it is stunning shot after stunning shot after stunning shot. Honestly, I can't even exaggerate when I say that every single shot in this movie was beautiful. Even the one where the camera zooms up to Sean Penn's face as he walks into his office building was interesting. It says something when a trivial, 3 second scene that doesn't actually lead up to a major event is one of the ones that hasn't escaped my memory yet. The cinematography was pretty much genius and I would very much like to marry the director, cameramen, the editors, and every single one of you behind-the-scenes masterminds please. (I'd put you all in one big house and make love to all you creative souls. At the same time. We could make another beautiful movie. ;) )

I think it takes a while to fully appreciate the telling of this story, for sometimes the pace of the film is tedious and frustrating. Sometimes you are just totally baffled because you aren't very sure how this scene relates in any way to the previous because the whole thing is just so abstract. It is not much of a simple narrative. It is fragments of memories that chronicle Jack's family's lives, from when Jack is born to when he and his two brothers all play with the town boys to when Jack finds himself rebelling as a pre-teen. Thrown in the mix are also the parts which chronicle the origins of earth and life. And then you see Jack as a middle-aged man who still thinks of his younger brother who died at 19. Middle-aged Jack comes off as somewhat detached. But this is a movie that keeps you thinking as you watch it. Even after you've left the theatre, you want to keep on trying to figure it out and you want to read all the reviews you can and you want to learn more about the movie and how it was made and written and you want to kiss Terrence Malick for being such a poet and a genius.

Fancy 'non-linear narrative' style, stunning vivid images, arty farty intellectual story telling aside, The Tree of Life is about life, death, love, hatred, the universe, faith in a god, family, loss of innocence......... Although it was wonderful in the purest sense of the word to watch, this film still felt a little unsatisfying. Maybe it's a bit too abstract, maybe it tries too hard to be something it fell just a little short of achieving, maybe it's just 'pretentious crap masked by beautiful cinematography'. Whatever it is, I suppose everything has its good and bad. Bottomline: I enjoyed the movie a lot. I haven't been so awed by a film in a very long time. In fact, probably not ever. Also, I didn't even come close to falling asleep despite being exhausted from a day walking around town. In my books, this movie is gold.

At the beginning of the movie, Jack's mother's voice says "The nuns taught us there were two ways through life - the way of nature and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you'll follow. Grace doesn't try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries. Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. The nuns taught us that no one who loves the way of grace ever comes to a bad end." I read a few reviews that night and I like the idea that Jack's mother turns out to be the embodiment of Grace, while Jack's father is the embodiment of Nature.

I also really love that so many people are comparing this film to Stanley Kubrick's 2001!!!!!!! I luv luv luv Stanley Kubrick he is a crazy genius I luvvvvv him!!!!!!!!!!!! A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, Eyes Wide Shut I loved it olllllll *O*


Hahahaha shucks look at the big ol' nerd I've let out. If you made it to the end, I am amazed. I wish I was this interested in my Literature text man. Also, I envy how frickin intelligent and well-written and inspiring this review is: http://www.gameinformer.com/blogs/members/b/enigma13_blog/archive/2011/06/01/the-tree-of-life-movie-review.aspx

Also, Terence Malick, you are now on my radar. I now need to watch all your past movies.

Baby Say Goodbye

 As of today, I have officially graduated from TK. It doesn't feel very real. Perhaps it's because I know we're still coming to school when 'O's begin, or the next two weeks of study break will still require some of us to return to school for extra lessons and stuff, but I didn't really feel like this was the end. There were moments today when I would tear up for a few seconds, but nothing more than that. I feel a bit.. cut off. I think it will only hit me that we're done on the last day of O level papers.

I feel a slight regret for not having made full use of my 4 years in TKGS to really get to know people. I have to admit to being a bit of a social recluse, and my circle of friends and acquaintances is pretty small. I am, however, extremely grateful for the people I have ended up opening up to. My favourite people have to be my squadmates. We've gone through so much together the past four years and all the ridiculous shit we get up to is pretty amazing. We've had some scary conflicts, but it was nice to see warmth again today. I also really love the hilarious group of people I go for recess with. They are amazing and funny and I realise that almost all of us are hopeless at staying out of trouble hahaha.

In other news, my sixteenth birthday was on Wednesday. I never really look forward to my birthdays very much. I always feel sort of lost and confused on my birthday. I don't know if the aging scares me or whatever but I get uneasy. I ended up in tears in Malay class when everyone had left for recess and I was stuck there because I couldn't finish my essay. I was worrying about family, and feeling shitty about how my father had wished me through a facebook message that only said "Happy birthday Ayesha!", and feeling so pathetic because I was so unfocused and couldn't do anything right and the tears just sort of flowed. It was scary because I never break down out of the blue like that. I managed to get out of handing in the essay and then I went to meet Filzah at the void deck. My day picked up from there :-)

Maya, Filzah and Syadza got me to go to the canteen and Adela had baked me cupcakes and they had this big box of photos, flowers and a song for me. Filzah made a huge mess when she sprayed us all with that party string thingy that malfunctioned and came out as dust. The photos were really sweet and everyone wrote on the backs of the pictures. Syadza also slipped in a couple of photos of Lykke Li and Andrew Vanwyngarden and decided to ghostwrite their wishes to me hahaha. Felt so much better after that. Pei Shan also gave me a really cool necklace today. I really do love my friends <3

The top of the pile of photos.

5 4 3 2 1

This week is the last actual week of school. Day 1 out of 5: over.

Bought a new sketchbook a few days ago. I cut out a circle from fancy paper and stuck it on the plain cover. I like it.

Today I had detention after school. They gave us dc kids a bucket and a rag and we each had two classrooms to clean. The heat was stifling. I am drained. I shall fall asleep to Chan Marshall's luffffffly voice now.