u_____u

12.12 a.m. on the night before the first day of a new school term and I am awake here blogging. I don't really have anything to say for myself.

Time is a fucking ninja. You don't realise it and two weeks have passed you by just like that!!!!!!! My mother is blasting Forever Young from her phone and you know what? MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY, DEAR ALPHAVILLE. Soon I'll be in college, and then I'll have a job and I'll get married and have kids and worry about bills and dirty laundry and shit and then I'll be old but the government would want me to keep working good god what is life!!!! :( O okay now she's playing Katy Perry. Ha ha ha ha ha k.

I am kind of terrified for this coming term.... I haven't really used the break to do any revision at all.... My hair has kind of grown I hope it's long enough for the VP to leave me the fuck alone sigh. OK this is a shitty post. I'll just go to sleep now. My mother's listening to MJ's Thriller mai god.

choke on your vomit

Sunday was nice. Changi Beach is definitely at the bottom when it comes to beaches I enjoy, but it was nice to be by the sea. I spoke with my step-cousin most of the time. She's a year older and in SP taking a course in music. We talked a lot about tertiary education, about music and then we talked about the relationships we've had. Or she had, rather. It kind of made me feel like I was never going to fall in love.

I've never been in love, whatever that means. I realise I've always been pretty standoffish with new people, not least of all boys. All the times that I have ended up talking to a guy, however, for the first week or two, I always convinced myself I was interested. After those two weeks, it would sort of get... boring. I don't know. I think I set rather scary standards. I should learn to relax, but I've always wanted a relationship that was based on an intellectual connection. Something that wasn't all about flirtatious comments, sweet gestures, physical attraction, physical intimacy... Sure, a relationship wouldn't be much without those aspects, but I've always wanted a guy who was.. intelligent. Not that he'd have to be getting A1s for school all the bloody time or anything, but he would have a very stimulated mind. We can't always be talking about how our day went.

Right now it is 3.01 in the morning. Is 3 a.m. the witching hour? I'm listening to Captain Beefheart and giggling. Mentally. It is interesting music, but not very easy to listen to. Also, Captain Beefheart does not look like someone I'd want to get to know personally. O well, he is a dead man anyway.

Today I took a trip to town by myself. I tend to do this a lot; go out for the isolation. I was supposed to study and get some work done, but I ended up walking around looking at everything and buying nothing, except for maybe food. I bought myself a box of Strawberry & Raspberry Tea from Marks & Spencer. It's as good as its packaging is pretty. This obsession with tea is growing rather nicely, I think. I'm going to start investing in good teas from now + educate myself a bit. My goal is to have in my yet to be realised cafe, a wall of maybe 4 wooden shelves in neat parallel lines with all the different types of teas (and coffees perhaps) arranged nicely, in pleasingly mismatched pots and boxes. I foresee tea parties.

This is Metanoia, my favourite MGMT song. I think it's pretty genius.

I live on an island why am I at such a loss when it comes to dressing for the beach?

I just made a really big mess of my room looking for something to wear to the beach tomorrow. We're celebrating Father's Day, I think. My stepmom and half-siblings are in Singapore and we're all gonna have a picnic by the sea. I haven't seen them in a pretty long time and I know this is terrible but... I've lost track of how many siblings I actually have. It's probably 4......... Or 5. Aye, but if it's 5 then I don't know the last child's name. It's kind of screwing my brain, how uninformed I am of people through whose veins courses 1/2 of the very blood in mine. I shall try to make use of tomorrow's ~family bonding time~ to get these facts straight. Alright.

Today after visiting my grandpa at the hospital, my mother, brother and I went to the library. My brother retreated into his world of virtual games and my mother and I began a rather honest yet light-hearted discussion on our dreams for the future. I was telling her about my cafe, my year-long adventure backpacking across Asia like gypsies, and somehow the conversation was steered to drugs. I told her what I thought of marijuana, how I would probably try it if offered. She said she wouldn't.

We talked about hallucinogens and deliriants and such. She told me that as a bipolar, when she gets manic she actually hallucinates and perceives things as they are not. Today I saw the alien spaceships, the crumbling faces and the many husbands she had when she was on a high. It was interesting. We laughed about it. We crafted a theory that these hallucinogens and deliriants cause temporary versions of the (supposed) chemical imbalances that lead to mental disorders like my mother's bipolar disorder, therefore causing a relatively fleeting 'loss of mind' and providing the user with similar symptoms to my mother's experiences.

I like talking to my mother. I think that her liberal mindset makes it really easy to be open with her, and really easy for me to be open-minded. She's a pretty interesting conversationalist as well. Something I should learn to be. I realise I'm a pretty shy sort of person. It must be somewhat difficult to get to know me. I'm not the most articulate unless I am comfortable, but I really wish I could have the sort of conversations I have with my mother with other people; honest, open-minded, non-judgemental conversations on things controversial and not.

I have also decided that it is important to put effort into making everything you do in life pretty, for lack of a better word. Dress prettily, get pretty stationary, smile prettily, plate your food prettily, think prettily, bring pretty mats to picnics....... because pretty is good, whatever your definition of pretty may be. Even if your pretty = ugly. Just makes life a bit more bearable, I think.

Now here is David Bowie's Oh You Pretty Things. Pretty relevant eh?

The St. Patrick's boy my mother dated while she was in TKGS gave her Bowie cassettes to listen to back then. Can we get a big AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?!

O and my grandfather is a-okay now (if you're concerned). He's coming back tomorrow :)

can i just fall into your catastrophic mind?

I have spent most of the last three days on the laptop watching Stanley Kubrick films, listening to lots of MGMT, Spacemen 3, The Beatles' Magical Mystery Tour album.. I've been falling in love with younger versions of people, falling in love with the youth that has long escaped them and lusting over Andrew VanWyngarden's clear, pale green eyes and sarcastic wit. And all with a bandana tied around my head because I am a preteenshus hippie-girl-who-continually-reeks-of-sweet-marijuana-and-dances-around-in-long-flowy-skirts-and-hair-down-to-my-hips wannabe. My mind is saturated, everything is a big blur, and I would just like to.. paint. While lovely droning shoegaze music plays in the background.

Feelin' Just Fine by Spacemen 3

All the cigarettes I've never smoked

While absolutely blissful as I have declared in my previous post, one thing I don't really like about spending most of the night awake is waking up around noon and finding that the rest of my day passes really fast. It's 3.30 in the afternoon and I am still unwashed. I'm just loading The Shining right now before I go take a bath and then make ramen noodles to eat while I watch my second Stanley Kubrick film. I tried to watch it yesterday right after A Clockwork Orange. Putlocker, which loads pretty quickly, however, could not feed my newfound Kubrick lust. Said I couldn't watch two movies in a day. I caught the first few minutes of it on another site but the rest took too bloody long to load. So here I am now, hoping the movie will leave me with that unsettling feeling that I love.

I think I am a creepy girl. I appreciate creepy things creepy movies creepy music being creeped out creeping others out.

Bob Dylan's Ballad of a Thin Man for you. I love how his songs are stories.

PS weheartit's collection of photos labelled psychedelic is really fun to look at.

Viddy well, little brother, viddy well

This is pretty much me at 3 a.m. on holiday nights...... haha okay I kid. Mm but I really do like being awake in the dark watching silly things on Youtube or reading irrelevant articles I come across while listening to music, when that little bubble of your world is all asleep and quiet. It's strangely comforting. It also does this thing to me where I get really emotional, like in a good way, and every goddamn thing is unfoundedly special. It's kind of like drugs. Think this is when I'm at my happiest.

Anyway, I watched A Clockwork Orange earlier today! I watched it with my mother last year in a Mother-Daughter Movie Night attempt, but we turned it off and went to sleep about ten minutes into the film, during the second rape scene. It was a bit too uncomfortable to watch it together you see.

I think A Clockwork Orange is a really good movie. I love Alex Delarge. Despite all the ultra-violence and the sex crimes and being pretty damn fucked up, he's still got this kind of child-like innocence that makes him really likeable. Perhaps because he's still a teenager. Perhaps because Malcom Mcdowell just portrays it so. Perhaps cause he's apparently a sociopath? I don't know. I need to read the novel! Oh and Alex loves Beethoven. That's.......... cool.

Watching the treatment Alex went through and how he changed was kind of unsettling and crippling and weird. I was actually kind of glad for him when he jumped out of the window to kill himself. He lived in the end, though. I love him in the final scene when the minister's feeding him his steak. So. Fucking. Adorable. (As he also is even in this picture, covered in blood and spat on)

Ottoman by Vampire Weekend because in the middle of the night like this it simultaneously makes me want to combust out of despair and jump out of my window because I think I can fly.

Brand New

I figured it was time for a change. My previous blog had gotten a little bit stifling, if that makes any sense, and it seemed simpler to just start afresh altogether than to fix things up over there. I think this took longer in the end, but having this clean, empty space feels good. Lighter :-)

I hope to write better posts in this blog compared to the previous one, which became increasingly shitty as it neared its demise. I think I was going through a pretty low period at that point so that probably explains it. But hey, we've moved on now, to a hopefully better period during which I feel more at peace with myself and the world.

Here's a little MGMT for ya! (Plus a psychedelic picture of a dear)

Someone's Missing