THINGS I WILL DO AFTER 'O'S

• Get another sidecut
• Take part in The Sketchbook Project
• Find a job, hopefully in a quaint little shophouse cafe/boutique
• Buy a guitar and learn to play it
• Buy a sewing machine and learn to sew my own clothes
• Start cooking
• Restock on art supplies
• Work on my portfolio
• Weed party ahahaha
• Be chill. (as if I'm not already)
• Go for art school interviews.

Slowly We Unfurl

Skipped school today. Woke up and scrolled through twitter (morning routine) and saw stylesophomore's tweet with my name in it.

So... yeah....

{ Regret carrying that bag + holding my wallet + being so tubby + being 1.5m tall. Ugh please save me my insecurities are killing me :'( }

But in other news, I did some drawing last night. I love how this calmness takes over when I'm doing art, like my whole being just relaxes and focuses on my pencil and paper and nothing else matters. It's quite a lovely feeling, especially with really soothing music playing. Last night was Timber Timbre's Black Water on replay.

 

it's a nuclear show and the stars are gone

Need to learn the art of being succinct, condensing my thoughts into readable, less intimidating chunks of words. My last few posts have been very............ long.............. I also need to teach my brain to work more quickly, because I'm not kidding when I say I have gotten "think faster" or "you must not take so long to formulate your thoughts" or "time management problems? please see teacher" more than ten times as comments in my exam scripts. I have no sense of urgency. I'm becoming too ~chill~ for this fast-paced time-starved world!!! NPCC and shouting "Where's your sense of urgency?!?" threateningly at juniors does not actually make me a very urgent person, after all.

Sigh.

It is Tuesday today and I am already so exhausted. I've been going home straight after school more often and it feels pretty good. I haven't gone into hardcore studying mode though. Once again, behold my lack of urgency. Everyone's talking about the guilt they feel when they don't spend their time studying and I'm just like, guilt? Wat dat? Hmm I can't wait for O's to be over but at the same time I am terrified of 24th October making its way here because I am so unprepared. Now I only have seven subjects left since I dropped A Math last week, so I really need to do well for the all of them. My prelim results have been very terrible and.. I don't feel anything. Something is wrong. Very wrong.

By the way, hello Syadza my bimbo friend! I hope this post is short enough for you.

Spent Sunday afternoon with this silly girl. Went to Suntec's Starbucks to lepak with a laptop, some potato salad and too many bottles of drinks. Had a nice time just like chillin' and like eatin' and like watchin' videos and hearin' the F1 race cars deafen the hell outta everyone and shit yeah. I am slightly obsessed with Radiohead's Lotus Flower now. The song is hypnotizing. Thom Yorke's dance is infectious. I wish I was a dancer. Or just uninhibited enough to not care about my awkward limbs.

Graduation is next Friday. My birthday's on Wednesday. Two weeks of mugging at home after that, and then we sit for the big Os. How how how tell me how?

OK bye need to bathe and make geography notes.

Hippie Soulmates

All this while I've been singin "my love will come" and now she has

(photos by Nidia, who is a really great photographer! and is really small like me hehehehe)

Lykke Li was extraordinary!!!!!!!!! Soufi, Nidia and I went together on Wednesday night. We had flowers for her, but they were taken away by a security lady. She told us to come back for it after and give it to Lykke Li later cause there would be a signing session, so it wasn't too bad. We walked into the concert hall and it was hazy and dim and mysterious and o ma gad the suspense made me so anxious. We went right down to the front row, where Soufi and I had our seats and waited as the rest of the hall started filling up. It was a hipster kid congregation, pretty much. Too many bowler hats, too many maxi skirts, too many judging eyes hahaha. But fuck it as long as I was in front row I was more than content. Soufi squeezed with Nidia in one seat once our row was filled and concerned security kept coming to tell us to sit where we were supposed to. We made friends with a boy who was sitting alone beside us because he and his friends were separated. He was really nice. It's only too bad that we didn't get his name :-( Soon Nidia had to go back to her seat and then it was just a matter of waiting.

We didn't wait for too long, though. The lights came down and Soufi, the boy and I rusheddddd right to the middle. We got stuck behind a first, first row, but I'm not complaining because our view was still amazing! Nidia also ran all the way from fucking row Q and joined us, that lucky girl. My heart was pounding and the strobe lights + suspense + eerie music made for very weak knees. Lykke Li's very good-looking band mates appeared and then Lykke Li herself appeared and we were all just screaming and screaming. She walked slowly to her mic stand and stood there in her long black dress and her head down and it just felt so dream-like. She started off with a hypnotic Jerome and I felt my heart swell and burst and I was in so much awe right there. I was in love. It was amazing. She was fucking beautiful live and we dance dance danced and didn't care. The boy we made friends with also danced along despite being with people he barely knew. These are the people I love at concerts.

Soufi and I were so happy that we could sing along to all of the songs other than the cover she did of Burt Bacharach's Please Stay. We were super worried before the show about forgetting lyrics or not knowing a song well enough but damn, I loved her setlist. It was Jerome > I'm Good, I'm Gone > Sadness is a Blessing > I Follow Rivers > Silent My Song > Dance Dance Dance > Please Stay > I Know Places > Little Bit > Love Out Of Lust > Rich Kids Blues > Youth Knows No Pain (+ apparently she sampled Kanye's Power) > Get Some. And then for the encore she sang Possibility and played the piano. It was heart-wrenching. Unrequited Love was the final song. One of the cutest moments for me was when Soufi and I turned to each other at the same time and shouted the first SHOOWAH SHOOWAH with hand gestures and everything in Unrequited Love.

I think my favourite was either Rich Kids Blues, Youth Knows No Pain, or Little Bit. There is a video we found on Youtube of her performance of Little Bit and we are in it! The guy who filmed it was standing right behind Nidia and Soufi. During the concert there were so many moments of eye contact between Lykke Li and I, and I would like to think it was because we were some of the more excited and openly appreciative kids there. Watch this video and compare us to 2:40. Really. Hahahahaha.

(Nidia's in white, Soufi's in green, I am in black and big glasses on the right but appear only sporadically.)

HAHAHA OK sorry I am being such a bastard but.... I wish crowds in Singapore were more energetic and less afraid of being judged, you know? This is my philosophy during concerts: Dance like a weirdo? I pass no judgement on you. In fact, I love you. Stand there like a tree? Ha ha stop being sucha pussy. I'm so glad we got right to the middle because the people around us were so awesome I didn't even know the rest of the crowd was like...... yeah. I mean, you're at a Lykke Li show. Take a couple of pointers from her and dance dance dance, dance while you can, dance cause you must!!! Even if you cannot dance (like me) dance cause you vill nevaaaar regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You'd regret not dancing. Really.

K dah lah I'm done preaching already.

K then after the last song, we tried to run out of the hall because the security lady who took our flowers advised us to get out early if we wanted to be one of the first in the line for autographs. Pushed a lot of people and naturally got a lot of protests and "BITCH!!!!!"s in response, but it was quite hilarious. Soufi is one heck of a muka tembok I tell you! She led the way through the crowd and was viciously shoving her way through. I um... tried to apologize hahahaha. We lost the nice boy along the way and didn't see him the rest of the night :-( I hope he found his friends.

After successfully escaping with our faces spared from any bitch-slaps, we jumped in the queue, got the flowers, and it was about twenty minutes to a half hour of waiting in line for our turn for the signing. I was nervous, but my heart was surprisingly calm. I gave her the flowers, got her to sign my sketchbook and got a hug from her :') She's shy in person and so fucking gorgeous. I can still feel her shoulders against mine. We hung around until the end of the signing session and there was one part where these two girls, Indonesian I think, led the crowd in singin Lykke Li a bit of her own Dance Dance Dance and played their ukuleles. I really wanted to cry.

I was so sad when she finally left. I was sad the rest of the way back to Soufi's home. Sadly took a shower and got a drink and fell asleep like a baby, according to Soufi hahaha. I was sad in the morning the next day. But sadness is a blessing and sadness is a pearl and sadness is my boyfriend whom I have pushed away for a few weeks but he came back sweet as ever yesterday. I have loved Lykke Li for four years and she has come so far since then. She sold out the whole concert hall Wednesday night. She's grown out of her fragile innocence and become something of an intense fountain of emotion, power, beauty and... sex. Hahahaha. Ya. K. Okay this was a great ending to my three week high. I am now ready to start serious studying for O levels. 33 days. Wish me luck!

i get weak, i get weary

With my hair cropped so short, it is very easy for me to look like a boy. It's quite amusing. Yesterday I took a  ride to Tampines with Syadza after school. A group of guys from St Patrick's sat behind us and were loud and annoying the whole 45-minute long journey. At one point I was showing Syadza Andrew Vanwyngarden's face on my phone and I suppose they heard me flailing all over his perfect features and burst out laughing. "Dude, of course it's a girl she's in her school uniform!" "Well.... at least she should have been a lesbian..." I was on the verge of laughing with them, at them, at me, too because it was so silly but Syadza and I ended up just smirking quietly.

You know, I quite enjoy confusing people in general. Like with the things I say, the stuff I do, how I refuse to draw anyone with two eyes, the way I look and whatever. I like being confused too, and I think a world without confusion would be..... boring? Can you imagine if we understood and 'got' everything? We'd all be unimpressed, uninspired, sarcastic, running around with poker faces all the time! Anyway, I have to say I think it's narrow-minded to stereotype girls with short hair as being lesbian or butches, or have the mentality that long hair is what makes a girl a girl. "Hair is a woman's crowning glory," declared my school's discipline mistress when I shaved off half of my head for the fourth time. No, I think that was a pretty shallow statement and there are better things to take pride in as a woman than long hair.

I went to Wilkie Edge on Sunday with Nadhirah my banana to try and study. We sat at Starbucks and ended up just having a conversation for more than four hours over our frappes and this "french type toast biscuits" my mom made me bring. Quite naturally, we barely got any work done. I like talking to Nadhirah. She's so open-minded and interesting and we have nice, non-judgmental discussions about religion that I really like. No one else (other than my mom lol) really talks about these things with me. She was also telling me about this New World Order conspiracy theory. I love it when my friends get really interested in a certain idea or whatever and get excited talking about it and then the conversation is interesting because there is passion. It doesn't hurt that I enjoy conspiracy theories and that this New World Order thing is actually really quite unsettling either. Nadhirah left around 6 to meet her family for dinner and I went off to hunt for bras because my boobs are growing.

I was heading for Dhoby Ghaut MRT Station and was walking into The Cathay to use the toilet when this girl with an Australian accent came up to ask if she could take a photo of me for a streetstyle blog. You have no idea how flattered I was hek hek hek :B She's Stacey Young of StyleSophomore and is married to James of Lamodeoutré. I never really thought I'd ever be asked + I was feeling so shit about myself for dressing up just to study but well, that was a very needed little self-esteem boost :-)


This post is getting very wordy (even by hazedunfazed standards hahaha) so I shall just tell you:

• My mama got married today. It was a small ceremony at the ROMM at Fort Canning and we invited only family and a couple of her friends. She says that maybe they will have the actual reception at the end of the year, when things are calmer since O's are over and my mother would have time to let her moods settle first. I feel okay.
• Lykke Li is tomorrow and I am e x c i ted. Shall head to Soufi's after school to get ready and then after the show I'll sleep over and go to school from her place the next day. It'll be nearer anyway! I really can't wait.
• I feel like so many good things have been happening lately and I am grateful. At the back of my mind, though, the pessimist (or perhaps the realist) in me keeps warning in this ominous little voice that soon this happy phase shall be over, like I'll have to pay for having had a wonderful few weeks. My positive side, on the other hand, wants to believe that maybe.. after the rough couple of months of my mother being ill, this is my reward for being strong enough to get through it. I guess I will be ready for the next cycle of tough days, but now I am enjoying the good moments because they have been given to me and moments are exactly that: moments.
• Fate has been really kind and amazing to me. Fate. Fate. Fate. Good timing. Good decisions. Retrospect. Fate. God. Hmm.

BABY SETH!

Friday I'm in Love

Prelims have ended and I rejoiced by spending Friday with Soufi my hippie girl. We went out to look for an outfit for the Lykke Li show(in three days!). We met in the afternoon and headed for Haji Lane first. On the way there we stopped by the window of the antique/junk store at Golden Landmark and pressed our faces to the glass. I've seen some pretty cool bags in there but never really taken a closer look. The owner had gone out for prayers and the elderly caretaker of the store asked us to come back later. We left for Haji Lane.

One of the first few shops we went to was Collage. The owner was really friendly and he knew Soufi, and we had fun trying on stuff and deciding almost instantly that we had found our outfits. He gave us 10 bucks off each item we bought and I am so satisfied with the sheer blouse and romper I got, both in black. They fit me perfectly too. We walked around for a bit and then we shared a bowl of ban mian at Banquet before we headed back for the junk store. The kind old man unlocked the shop for us and let us in to be engulfed by the chaos. There were piles and piles of trinkets, knick-knacks and old film cameras whose past owners were probably dead by now. There was a bowl of old tobacco pipes that went for $40-50, lots of retro-looking plastic sunglasses, random binoculars everywhere, Polaroid cameras (dunno if they are still working), a single cowboy boot, riding helmets, and lovely but expensive little bags. There was barely any space to move but we spent a lot of film on goofy pictures with pipes and oversized Versace sunnies. Left with a $15 pair of sunglasses. The old man was too sweet to leave behind without buying anything.

We left for Orchard then, wanting to go to Far East Plaza and H&M. We were distracted along the way when we stopped to donate some cash to a hippie couple from Japan. They were a travelling band and they were setting up their equipment, which was really just a ukulele, tabla and a mic, in front of Sim Lim Square. We walked off, but later came back to watch them play. Well, you know how Soufi and I are dreamers, desperate to live our peaceful hippie life~~~~~ Hahaha so it was exceptionally exciting to meet some real-life hippies, who have been travelling around Asia playing music on sidewalks and are going to be married soon. We sat down to revel in their simple, light-hearted music. Bun sang in Japanese and played the ukulele, slipping in an arigato gozaimas into her song everytime a passerby dropped some money in their box. Shoujh held the tabla between his legs and played it with eyes closed and with so much soul. I have never seen people look so carefree and happy and peaceful. It was inspiring. A few more people came to sit with us and we swayed to the music and it felt amazing.

After a few songs, we went up to talk to them again. We asked if they could sing in English and Bun went, "Hmm, Bob Marley?" in Japanese-accented English. I immediately went yes!!! and they started to play Three Little Birds. We sang and danced with them. At the end, we hung around and had a really cute conversation. We asked if they smoked weed. They looked at each other cheekily and nodded. Then they asked if we did, we told them we were gonna do it after our exams. They were surprised and leaned in close and asked if it was easy to get hold of it in Singapore. So cute. They've been travelling down from Japan, stopping in China, India, Malaysia and Singapore. They've been here for three weeks. I'd love to spend six months in India too! We learned that Shoujh was 24, Bun 30. They were surprised once more when we were only barely 16 and kept saying kawaii. We exchanged aishiterus. Shoujh was so adorable, pleased that we had a film camera because he has only seen digital ones in Singapore and insisted on taking a picture of us with Bun. At the end we hugged them. Bun shyly said "smell" at first because they are unwashed hippies but we hugged her anyway and honestly, she didn't smell at all hahaha.

Bun is beautiful. Not in the perfect, flawless, immediate-eye-candy way, though. She was more.. stunning imperfections and peace-radiant and lovely, demure body language. Shoujh is humble, very smiley and extremely sexy. They make a perfect couple. Almost 15 minutes long was our conversation and we left for Orchard with so much wonder and gratitude for life. We sang Lykke Li all the way to the YMCA bus stop and made up our minds that we are going to have a hippie busking band after our weed party. Took a bus to Orchard but missed our stop and had to walk down deserted roads to get back to people. We made it and we sat on the steps in front of Ion, finishing up our roll of film and being happy. Then we went to H&M until it closed and ended the night in a sombre mood in front of 313. Saw Khalis for a couple of seconds too.

My Friday night was amazing and I know I sound really pretentious and my head is in the clouds but I shall not apologise. I want more amazing adventures with Soufi. Singapore isn't that boring a place :)

feeling so fly likka cheebye

Last day of my week-long September holidays and I am pretty much screwed for tomorrow. I haven't been studying much. I made a pathetic attempt at it yesterday when I took my chem and bio notes to the national library, but it was pretty unproductive. My mind is consumed with too many school-unrelated things. My mother is back from the hospital. Doesn't feel like a relief though. You know, I realise I haven't gone to school for two whole weeks.

Haha I sound so bored. And I guess I am. I really hate my life right now. Still, the past two weeks have had some really nice days.

Last Thursday Soufi and I went on a trip round town. We met at Bugis and Soufi had her lunch at this ghetto little shop called Tong Seng. Then we walked to Wilkie Edge and sat at Starbucks trying to study. Gave up, got ourselves some frozen yogurt and walked to Dhoby Ghaut. The sun was beginning to set then, but we decided to get to the national museum by walking up along fort canning just cause we remembered that there was an escalator that came down from there to the museum. There's this creepy little... stairwell? (it feels a lot like walking up a well at least) that leads up to fort canning but it's incredibly pretty. Just a little unnerving with the light slowly fading. We ended up walking through the park, getting asked for directions by a lone traveler, and finally going down to sit in front of the national museum. Got high and giddy in front of the banyan tree and I ended up curled up on the ground and gagging in cat tail bushes. Then we took a short walk to TCC at SMU across the road and got the whole cafe to ourselves cause they were closing up. The guy working there was really nice and we got ourselves some Magic Garden Tea to soothe our light heads. Then we walked barefoot, past the art museum where they were having this light installation thing which made the building look extremely creepy. On the other side of the museum they projected a storm cloud onto a wall, rotating and pulsing with lightning and everything felt so fucking surreal in our highs. Soufi needed a toilet and we walked around some more until we got to some hotel. Then we walked back to Dhoby Ghaut and sat on steps eating a 7-11 sandwich. Miss my hippie girl. We should go on more adventures like this.

Saturday evening was spent with my little banana Nadhirah. We went to watch the film screening of 1960's 13 Ghosts at the national museum. We spent so much money on food that day and ended up not finishing everything we bought. Best fries forever, couscous salads and garrett's popcorn... $$$$$$$$$ down the drain hahaha. We sat on my pretty blanket on the soft carpet grass lawn in front of the museum and dutifully held the Illusion-O to our eyes every time the screen told us to use the viewer. The movie was pretty corny, I suppose, as old movies go. Nadhirah got all nervous about being scared for nothing lah hahaha.

Now I shall leave you with stupid webcam photos of myself because I am a stupid fucking idiot for not studying for my prelims!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And for losing my prelim schedule and having to scroll through twitter to find out what papers I have tomorrow because I hate myself too much to simply ask someone!!!!!!!!!!!! OK rant over shall skim through notes and fall asleep five minutes into it.

 (the amazing illusion-o, my friends)

(this is as far as my one-brow-raising skillz go)

(i practice very hard in the mirror)

(yea bb )

(haha all my webcam photos are in an album titled Self-Indulgent)