#2

Last week's term break/project week went by a bit too quickly. I spent the first weekend recovering from a cold and Monday being glued to the couch. Tuesday I met Farah. She sat beside me watching Criminal Minds on her laptop while I did some homework in school. Later on I got too distracted and we ended up singing along to Grimes. Wednesday I saw Syadza and we did some catching up, bought socks, had cake and fries, and then sat by the river and spoke about our lives. Thursday was some more work in school with Fiz, and then sitting at Jilani's with new people while it poured like crazy the whole night.The road nearest to us flooded and rainwater flowed over onto the curb quite a few times. Friday was the show at Homeclub - ANECHOIS/7nightsatsea/Paris in the Making, followed by Beat! and I danced with Soufi and Amalina and Fifa and Irfan and drunk strangers. It was a bit of a crazy night. Saturday was a rest day, and finally, Sunday was Russian Red's MTV Sessions at Resorts World Sentosa with Farah. She'd won passes from MTV. An early birthday present, she said <3 It was the best. The next day, Monday, I met Farah again after school and we went down to Epilogue cafe in ION for Russian Red's meet & greet and signing session. Apparently we were supposed to have registered for it but we got in anyway. There was a short interview followed by phototaking and signing. Lourdes was so lovely. This more than makes up for the awkward encounter at the Mosaic Festival earlier this year. Now it is Tuesday night and I'm feeling all sorts of shitty. Listening to Tarantino on repeat and I feel hollowed out.

back

All the build-up to the start of school, of my next phase of life in Lasalle and I let this space go to rot just as that finally happened. I don't know if anyone's even interested anymore, but school so far has been more than I could ask for. I am happy where I am. I feel comfortable, like I truly belong, and I think I can say that this is a genuinely new feeling for me. I like the people I have met and become friends with, I don't have anything bad to say about my lecturers, and the things I am learning are actually interesting to me. The workload though, is quite a strain. The actual work we are assigned isn't bad. The only thing that makes it all so stressful is the lack of time/my lack of time management, and I am wearing myself thin trying to keep up with everything.

My days have been passing by so quickly they sometimes blur into each other. I have a lot of trouble remembering what I was doing 24 hours ago. I talk about where I went 'that day' when I mean 'yesterday'. I am uncomfortable every time Friday comes knocking. It feels more like an unwelcome visitor than my saviour nowadays, because the end of the week just means that the next cycle is beginning in a couple of days. I still make it a point to enjoy my Friday nights though - the past few have been pretty wonderful, only they now leave me with dreadful bouts of guilt and regret for not spending that time doing work. Honestly, I'm pretty sure the guilt wouldn't be as bad if I was being a hard-working, dedicated, efficient student the rest of the week, but I haven't managed to mold myself into that just yet so I go through a lot of self-loathing come the weekends.

My Term 1 is ending very soon, which is a little bit terrifying because we just started lessons like, 5 weeks ago??? Next week is the last and is basically five days of submission datelines for everything. I've got a lot to catch up with. All my sketchbooks to fill up, quite a number of incomplete/undone works/re-doing unsatisfactory pieces, and a ton of reflection-sort writing that goes with all of those. I also need to catch up on sleep but that is something I have learned I must sacrifice these days. I've been running on 2-3 hours of sleep most days. My face is a perpetual e_e Anyway, tomorrow is yet another Friday. Again, it's come way too early. I foresee a long night ahead of me. Time for dinner and a shower and then I must focus.

By the way, I chopped off my hair. No more hair-tying for a while now, but all's good.

girl you know you gotta watch your health

LASALLE's school term begins in a little over two weeks from now, but this was Tuesday, in NP's school of FMS. It was two days after Syadza's birthday and I came with cake and a flower and hung out with her while she wrapped up her radio project. On this day also, I finally got to be on the other side of the table when Syadza and I had a dinner of onion rings and aubergine linguine at Relish. It's sort of weird that even on my first day off in two weeks, I still wound up at work, but I guess that shows how fond I am of the place now. It's been a wonderful ride and I will miss being committed to this restaurant and all the people here, but I'm also quite ready to ease into part II of my 2012 and to devote myself to school and learning art.

These next couple of weeks will be torn between trying to squeeze in as many hours of work as possible so my next pay will still be quite pretty, and preparing for school. I need to shop. There's all the school supplies and stuff that I'll require, and then there's also the clothes and shoes and bags I'm happy to have a legitimate reason to spend on. Think I also need to save the last few days of this freedom for some rest. These eyebags are getting quite disgusting.

three times a day

Got my tickets for the Sigur Ros show in November with Soufi. Early bird tickets were sold out by the first day. I think we can safely expect a pretty big crowd and a long day of camping in line for front row. Jonsi, voice like honey, can't believe I get to watch you in the flesh in 5 months. 

<3 <3 <3

I don't quite know how to update this space anymore. 

fairy baby

I love this.

oh well

I feel like I've lost or skimmed over a day somewhere this week. Like I opened sleep-crusted eyes to afternoon light after falling asleep at 6 a.m., tried to slip back for another hour of rest, but only awoke 17 hours later the following morning to the dripping of a leaky air-con. I keep thinking it's only Wednesday and am confused every time I remember it is not. It is Thursday afternoon and soon I will have to get dressed for a night shift at work. I'll come home from that feeling heavy and lethargic, but I'll stay up until 4 a.m. watching movies or reading or whatever, with Interpol or Joy Division for company. I'll fall asleep in my jeans and contact lenses and unwashed face. Pens and notebooks and nonsense loose leaf lists on my mattress leave just enough space for me to spend the night curled up in fetal position in the one free corner of my bed. I'll probably wake up at 1 the next afternoon, feeling icky, hating myself for not washing my face and still holding the pen I was writing with last night.

I am tired of this routine.

On Tuesday I finally saw Syadza again and we went for prata and a bit of walking around at Arab Street before we took a bus to Bras Basah Complex because I was too tired to walk. We spent a long time stationery shopping, just like in secondary school, and then we scoured the second-hand bookstores for cheaper reads. I found six books for $40 and have finished two of them - Slowness by Milan Kundera and Lucky by Alice Sebold. I feel happier with all this reading I've been doing. It's an escape from real things. I also feel less stupid/lazy/like a snail is eating my brain.

I want school to start so that I can feel like I am working towards something. I honestly can't wait to be learning new things again. I don't like this limbo between the end of secondary and start of tertiary education that I've been stuck in for nearly seven months. It's stagnant and uncomfortable and I am growing very weary.

Sonne

I found this shirt again after more than half a year of its being dumped in the back of my closet because of pink stains from a colour run in the wash. My hair is long enough to be put in a bun now. I am flying through the pages of The Virgin Suicides. I kind of wish I didn't have all these images from the film already in my head, though. I loved the movie, but I also wish I could have created my own Lux Lisbon instead of seeing Kirsten Dunst's face every time. I'd really love to read the book as something more than just a beautifully written report on this series of events I've already witnessed too. Re-reading Nausea has been put on hold while I finish The Virgin Suicides as slowly as possible. I don't really know how I feel about Nausea. It's sort of like... I enjoy the unhappiness and discomfort I feel when I read it, but then that uneasiness decides to linger on and trickle into my real-life and my thinking. Feel like I've been drowning in angst ever since I picked this book up. Or maybe it is other events in my life too but I prefer to think it is the book.

Work has been fine. Sometimes during the one hour of cleaning up before opening, we blast rap music from 8 years ago and dance. Ray keeps accidentally eating peanuts and having scary allergic reactions. The youngest chef in the kitchen is cute and ever since my brain established that, I have become disgustingly shy around him. The weird butch got fired at last. On Tuesday, Shan, Didi and I went to town after our lunch shift. We went shopping for Didi's pants at H&M but he couldn't find anything so we went to Cineleisure, where we had pasta for lunch and Shan insisted on paying for me. My managers are lovely. Didi found his $100 jeans and we walked around a bit more, but then they had to go back to work again. I went window shopping for a bit. Tried on this pretty skirt at Topshop which was still $50 after sales discounts and that made me want to cry, so I went to Kinokuniya for books instead. I read bits of books and then bits of magazines and stole glances at this beautiful man who was browsing in the same magazine section as I. My ovaries could not take it so I moved to the bestsellers and holy mother of fuck, so did he. And then he caught me staring and I felt stupid so I ran to hide among taller bookshelves in the literature section and buried my nose in The Virgin Suicides, which I ended up buying.

Now I am going to make myself a dinner of couscous and spiced vegetables with vegan sausages because I am sad that I couldn't find anyone to go see Monster Cat with. Normally I would think "fuck the world" and go alone but today I suck and I'm thinking "fuck the world :'''( " and I just want to hide from it ok bye.

open

I like these goldfish-shaped cheese crackers because they let me pretend I am a cat eating cat food. The supermarket at Cluny Court stocks so much cute food ok I cannot resist!!!

Anyway, I am still drained. Work has been tiring and not very exciting but I am feeling myself grow fond of everyone there. We've also got two new part-timers: Hafiz, who is Soufi's brother, and his friend Zuhairi, and they hate weird girl too hahaha. After a really busy 10-6 shift at work last Sunday, Hafiz and I went to eat at some Japanese vegetarian restaurant near NAFA. We ate fake chicken and fake pork and our bill came up to $46. We were seriously considering the idea of sneaking off without paying, but in the end we felt sorry for the sad-looking staff. Monday, I met Syadza whose school is actually really near to my workplace, and we had ice cream at Island Creamery and talked. I think we'll be seeing quite a bit of each other now :-) No more work this week until Sunday. I am looking forward to the Tenderfist shows at Esplanade with my adventure girls (lul) this weekend. We haven't gone out together in so long and I miss them so much.

Drained

Five days of work this week. I got my Saturday off today and then tomorrow I work again. I guess Relish is needing me more, now that the uni grads are leaving for real work and the poly kids are getting busier with school. That means more routine and more days of coming home exhausted for me, but I guess it is also more cash that I should save up for school and all the things I'll have to fork out money for, like a macbook and art supplies. Think I'll still try to keep my job even when school's started. The direct bus from Lasalle to cluny court cannot be for nothing.

My pay came in a couple of days ago and I bought another book. I was done with Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being (did you scoff at that lol) I got last month and feeling very stranded and lost without something to read. Once again I found myself at Kinokuniya's Literature section during a three hour break between split shifts. I got myself Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre. I feel a bit depressed.

honey pie

The Beatles' White Album is good for making me feel better.

This labour day evening, I met Soufi who has been missing from my life for too long. 'O' level year is a very possessive boyfriend and I can't wait for her to be done with him. We went for the Arajua show and it was beautiful, as was the lone backpacker with scraggly hair who sat behind us at one point huhuhu. Then we took a walk to the Raffles Place train station, talking and stopping to sit by the river along the way, and it was all very reminiscent of the long walks and getting lost we used to do on our hippie adventures :-( I miss this girl so much already. We went home early because she's got school tomorrow and I have work and we came across sexy backpacker guy again on the MRT platform. Fate.

Want to stick pins in my eyes and nails and gums and feet and scalp and shoulders and then roll down a hill, off a cliff and into a pit of fucking lava.

I had a happy afternoon with friends Syadza and Maya, but night fell and I have been thinking and I have been beating myself up for running away from everything and everyone and I am sorry if I have been distant and distracted and lol maybe I am just getting my period soon but man my feelings suck and I hate how my reflex action to anyone caring or anyone needing me at all is to back away and bubblewrap myself in thick layers of detachment. I don't want bubblewrap. I want bruises and cuts, and pins in my eyes and gums and nails. But I don't know. Been bubblewrapping my whole life I don't know how to stop.

get out of your head

Easy Saturday vibes on this no work day. Woke up feeling rested and with Best Coast and Wavves and twangy guitars floating through the empty house. I think I'll stay in and try to clean up my room or do stuff that might let me feel at least a bit accomplished by the end of the day. The angry heat outside approves of that plan. I am angry at the heat and trying to cool down by eating frozen seedless grapes and drinking iced tea. Hmm I should make a to-do list. Lists are good for pressurising you into finishing all your stupid tasks. Checking things off of them is good for reassuring yourself you are not a fat lazy potato blob. I shall make a list.

THINGS TO DO TODAY:

1. Make breakfast for myself

2. Make my bed

3. Sort out the mess in my closet

4. Do laundry

5. Clean up the rest of my room

6. Think of what to have for lunch/early dinner

7. Not burn the kitchen down while making said lunch/early dinner

8. Make madafuckin cola popsicles while I'm at it (hey ayesha i think you're getting ambitious)

9. Think about life

10. Call my dad up about the MOE tuition grant form I need to submit before Monday

11. Wish that school started earlier

Next Tuesday, Arajua is playing at the Esplanade outdoor theatre. I want to go this time, after being late and missing their set at Baybeats last year. I really really like their music, man.

(EDIT 7.26 pm:)
I am a fat lazy potato blob.

comfortable company

Had a change of heart; heartache can wait. I had a really nice afternoon with Syadza. We were supposed to meet after her lecture ended at twelve but it finished earlier and she ended up calling my home phone to wake me up. I was about 2 hours late but Syadza always understands. We walked around Somerset for a while and then we sat down at the cafe called Black in the building behind 313 for a smoothie, a scone and some stories. After that we played around with her macbook's photobooth and that was just a lot of stupidity and giggling.