I just had the laziest day ever but I feel so fucking drained. I've been extremely cranky these past few days and I hate it. I feel like I haven't felt love in a while. Like love for a friend, or love for my grandma or love for myself or love for an inanimate object that holds a certain value to me. I can't even talk about love for a boy (or a girl) in that way because I have never loved. And I honestly really think that I never will because I am so afraid to let anyone in, even as a new friend. I am terrified of human beings and terrified of being human and of this huge range of feelings and emotions that most of the time I think do not even have a name, that comes with the package. I have always been very empty on the inside but something makes me want to rip everything out so I can be even emptier. More distant. Distant is a good word to describe me. Sometimes I think I am feeling all of this because I don't really have a family right now and all this absence and unfulfilled roles and feelings of abandonment are eating away at me. My mother's gonna be in hospital even longer than the time before (that was about 40 days) and I haven't had a proper, sane conversation with her in what must be 2 months. My father hasn't called in forever (not even on my birthday not even to ask about my O level results) and will probably only text on the 25th to say "Ayesha, I have transferred your money to your bank account" and I will reply "Thanks, Aba :)" and that will be the only things we will say to each other (not even face to face or voice to voice) until the next 25th rolls around. I haven't seen my brother in a really long time since he lives with my paternal grandmother 'cause he has never gotten along with the grandma I stay with since he was three (I suspect it is because my brother reminds her of my dad) and my mother finds it more convenient to chuck him in a different house than try to be peacemaker. I miss him. And there are all these weird feelings of guilt that are starting to tug at my heart because I haven't been there as his older sister to guide him, talk to him, listen to him rant about our terribly flawed parents because God knows he probably has a lot to say. I feel so sad for him because my mother found out that my dad was cheating when my brother was only a few months old. That was when she experienced her first manic episode and was diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder. So it's like, he's been having to cope with all this shit since he was a little baby. And he has had it harder than me because my maternal grandmother has been quite abusive to him ever since he could talk. He lives in the virtual world most of the time now. I think that is his safe place. I am glad he has one. I don't really know what mine is. Art? I guess. I have been having all these ideas for future art pieces I can do running around in my head and they all sound really exciting. But at the same time my mood is like, bordering on crazy and sometimes I don't sleep and I am so afraid that I'll end up snapping sometime soon and be fucking bipolar like my mom. Sometimes when she's starting to get high, and I can tell because she's keeping late nights and spending all her time on the computer and making all sorts of grand plans, and I keep telling her to go to sleep, she shoots back at me telling me to go sleep myself because I'll get bipolar too. It's genetic or some shit like that. I don't know. But I know I have more than three relatives who have it. The other day my grandfather scolded me for staying up late and told me I was going to end up like my mother. I quite hate him. No, not only for that. Sigh. Someone please buy me a ticket to USS so I can scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and maybe puke. Screw these fucking teenage hormones I don't need to be even more emotional man.
The National - Runaway
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