Well

Today, for the first time in my life, a boy asked me out.

He's not really a boy. He's my 20-something year old colleague.

He asked me to the movies.

I said I don't really watch movies at the cinema.

I think I didn't exactly give him a proper no.

We debated a bit about films while he looked uncomfortable.

Then I described to him a scene from my favourite gore movie.

It involved a man being stabbed in the crotch with a pair of scissors by a crazy bitch who was trying to steal the pregnant protagonist's foetus.

Then I said bye because my train had come.

And that was the first time I got asked out.

brittle

Today I felt like part of a family again - casual phone calls to my father to ask if my brother was with him / anxiously waiting for for my brother at the entrance of a busy train station, looking for him and cursing under my breath, and then finding that he'd been peacefully reading on the platform for about half an hour (and then I could only smile) / seeing my mother at the hospital with him and exchanging "oh god" glances across the table as she launches into a tirade about keeping our health //

My brother is growing up. He's 14 now and I stand at his shoulder. He's got acne and wears glasses and a perpetual frown. I smile at him and he furrows his brows but the corners of his mouth turn up just enough and I know we are both glad to see each other. He is still the boy of few words, but he is trying to ask me questions about my life. I do my best to remember I am not 12 and he is not 10 and we are not trying to annoy each other, him by asking me stupid questions and me by pretending he is invisible. I want to hug him but I am afraid that is too much for now. I don't really know what to say. We haven't seen each other in months and a lot has changed in both of our lives; a lot has changed in both of us. Current me is a stranger to current him so I resort to banal stranger conversation about school and subject combinations and what do you want to do after Os. I wish I could hug him and then maybe ask him if he uses any facial wash. Can I buy him some facial wash?

Train ride with a wall of a man sitting between us. Taxi to the hospital. I am feeling guilty and sad and protective and happy and curious and afraid and everything all at once and that makes my head and my heart hurt. We arrive at my mother's ward and she is delighted to see us. We find ourselves in a three-way embrace (slight reluctance on my brother and I's parts). It's the first time we've seen her since she was admitted about a month ago. She's a lot more sober now, but still a bit too excitable and has ambitious plans for when she is discharged. We sit down at a table in the visitor's area and she hands us hand-written cards and paper cranes. Then she reads us a 9-page poem about waiting for her children to visit her. I think my brother has tuned out by the fourth stanza. My heart is breaking as I listen. I am trying not to tear up.

My mother takes her dinner with us. Talks about nothing in particular. Then she says her memory has gotten really bad.... when is my birthday? It is in October. She says the doctors didn't do anymore ECTs this time around. I am relieved to hear that. My brother takes out his sketch book. He has been drawing cartoon characters and I am so ridiculously happy to learn about this new interest of his. Maybe he will want to do art too.

Before I know it, it has been an hour and a half and I have to go to meet a friend. My mother lets me off but insists that my brother wants to stay longer. I look at his face and he is pleading with his eyes to let him escape with me, but my mother is relentless. I leave with guilt-heavy goodbyes and try to forget everything for a while. I hope he survived it okay.

I meet Pei Shan to have dinner and a heart to heart at Far East. We are both sad and in need of each other and in need of a good pig-out. We talk over our fried kway teow and bee hoon and talk some more as we watch people on the richer floors of Ion. There was a woman in a clingy yellow maxi dress that was sheerer than she must have realised and everyone saw her black bra and her black g-string and we felt embarrassed for her. Then we went to a bakery and had really good bread and talked some more and it was nice and familiar and safe.



It is a Yuck night. There is a weight in my chest.

I like your hand on the small of my back

After Los Campesinos! on Saturday and after yesterday, yesterday.

So I finally got my documents + payments for Lasalle submitted. This was my third trip, after being clueless and late the first and forgetting a signature the second. I guess it is official then, right? I am part of the school. News about orientation will come in July. I am looking forward to that.

Yesterday I walked from Lasalle to the library in about-to-rain humidity and sat for a couple of hours before I got frustrated because there was an annoying buzz in the library and someone was snoring and I was deprived of sleep and angry. I gave up and decided to go to Orchard, but I ended up just having cake at Coffee Bean and then going home.

Today I woke up at three in the afternoon and have been listening to Sigur Ros and pigging out and feeling sad.

This week

THINGS TO DO:

1. Get rid of my secondary school textbooks and worksheets that have been lying in messy, useless piles in my room the past 4 months. 
2. Get rid of other junk.
3. Tidy up wardrobe.
4. Finish the two paintings I forgot about.
5. Sort out thoughts and feelings.
6. Figure out how to stretch my money.

One point for each remaining day of this week. Why does that feel too ambitious for current me?

Even though our love has died,

Hi, I am missing last year's adventures with Hippie Girl. We had lots during the last few weeks before Os. I don't really regret not spending that time on revision, cause I know in the years to come I won't really give a shit about my L1R5 anymore. So instead of remembering tortured, sleepless nights at the study table, I'd much rather be able to reminisce and laugh at our blissful hippie days. We were in our own world, man, but it was a cool one.

Tomorrow (today?) Farah and I are going to go drop off some documents at Lasalle and then we are going to go wandering again. We actually went to the school last Friday, but I didn't realise I had to submit my stuff before three so here we are. We also took a walk from Lasalle to Strictly Pancakes that day and had a stack of peanut butter pancakes with nutella and kinder bueno and vanilla ice cream sent down to us from the heavens. Then we had fries and heart to hearts and then we walked to Orchard and around Cineleisure because it was part of the grieving process. I think I fell in love with Justin and that's why I'm so ridiculously sad they are gone. (We are talking about Craft Spells btw) But now I can listen to their music without my heart dropping anymore so I guess I must be healing.....

lul


Craft Spells // For the Ages




you're still mine

Mosaic, Part II

Hi.

Guess who got guestlisted for the Los Campesinos! show at Esplanade last night?

Guess, quick!

Oh, you give up?

Well, it was me.

I.

Ayesha Jumari.

Me.

Guestlisted by the band themselves.

Yay!!!!!

Thank God for Twitter.

That was about an hour before the show so Nidia and I rushed there in cabs. My taxi driver was cool. I was a bit late so we half ran up to the Mosaic Club and then I got to say "I'm on the guestlist" and we got in and they were already playing but the crowd wasn't that big so we had a pretty good view near the front. Also, I was wearing my platform clown shoes and the extra height was a bonus. We were standing on the left side of the stage where sexy Mr Sparky Deathcap was. Their set was so good, although I missed the first couple of songs (which included By Your Hand, where Rob has this super jizzinmahpantz line "graceful, gracious companion, with your eyes of doe and thighs of stallion" omg can I cry) and they did have to save some of the songs I was hoping to hear for the 10pm show. The Sea is a Good Place to Think of the Future makes me sad. I like Gareth's in-between-songs banter. He's really funny. They played for slightly more than an hour and then there was an encore with Baby I Got the Death Rattle! I think it was the perfect last song.

After the show there was a signing session (just like for Craft Spells sigh) and Nidia and I got in line. Didn't take very long for them to come out and soon we were at the front. It was Tom, Ellen, Neil, Kim, Jason, Gareth and Rob. There were lots of handshakes and small talk, which I have come to realise I am terrible at. Doesn't help that my tongue and brain don't work very well together in the presence of musicians I love. They signed my ticket and my 2012 planner thingy and drew kitties because my planner has got cats on them. All of them are so sweet. Tom said Gareth's the one who tweets for @loscampesinos, and when I got to him, he asked for my name and I said "I'm Ayesha!" His eyes went big and he was like "Are you the Ayesha from twitter!" And then there was this knowing look and then I was all yes omg thanks for the tickets that was so nice your show was awesome. And then Rob was next but he's so good-looking I could barely talk. At one point he asked, "So did you enjoy the show?" and all I could manage was a tiny "yup!" But then his cat drawing was really cool so I told him so and like ok... why do you have to be so sexy.......... Actually all of them are. We didn't get to take pictures with them, which is sad, but it is ok I still feel like one lucky fucker.

Thanks, Los Campesinos! I can't believe they actually got me in for free :'''') So sweet. I can't thank them enough. And Gareth's "Let's be realistic! We're probably never gonna get to play here again." NO. That is unrealistic. You will come again and I will see you and we will all enjoy it, the end.

 Gig photos by Nidia!

Los Campesinos! // Baby I Got the Death Rattle

Oh and on leaving the Mosaic Club,

I look like a child. Sometimes I still believe I am 12.

Mosaic

In the wee hours of the night, Farah and I talked for three hours on the phone. We were really really really giggly. We would laugh for five minutes straight at nothing. Everything was 4 a.m. funny. We were actually feeling really shitty that our Mosaic weekend was over, but feeling like shit was funny too, so we giggled some more.

On Saturday, we went to catch two shows: Imagine - a soundtrack to peace at 7, and Craft Spells at 10. Imagine was a show with several musicians, some local and some who were playing their own shows for Mosaic. They all did covers and there were quite a few Beatles songs, which I liked very much. It was really lovely. I loved Ramli Sarip's version of With a Little Help from my Friends. He's so cute in that old man way. He's like a jellybean with long scraggly greying hair and the hoarsest voice I have heard. My darling Russian Red played George Harrison's My Sweet Lord. There was also Bossarenova Trio's really interesting Blackbird, and then they all came out to sing Imagine together near the end :') I am in love with Yuna. Stacey Kent too. Voices like honey. I really enjoy hearing artists for the first time at shows. Imagine was a nice, definitely peaceful start to the night.

Craft Spells on the other hand was exciting! Fun! Yay! I haven't been listening to them for very long at all, but I think they are easy to get into and sound like the soundtrack to dreams. It was an hour-long show at the Mosaic Club with not too big a crowd that was a bit intimidating because there weren't really kids our age, but it's ok. We still had fun because the people around us were drunk and dancing and happy. We were not drunk but we were dancing and happy too. My heart broke when Justin finally said the words "last song", but they came back for a great encore and mend it back together. Also, while I like sexy soulful closed-eye singing ala andrew up there, I love eye contact aha ha ha......... (no, I don't care, split-seconds count) 

After the show there was a signing session, so Farah and I queued up. This girl in front of us in the line fainted at one point, but when she got to the table she was so okay I wanted to laugh. It didn't take very long to get to the front. I got them to sign the back of my 2012 planner/sketch/list book. Andy first, then Javier, and when it came to Justin, he asked if he could have his own page so he could dedicate something and tried to flip back. I think I panicked slightly because I tend to write stupid shit trying to organise my mind. But anyway.

"When I like someone...?" I haven't felt that for a while. I.... hope I get to use this page before 2012 is over and I get a new planner ha ha ha. I am pathetic ok ok ok thanks, goodbye.

Then Jack signed as well, and Justin says he likes my giraffe shirt and I think they were drunk and then I take a picture with Jack and Justin and get hugs from them. Justin is really nice to hug.

I look so small :-( And Jack and Justin are so red! I would probably have been redder if I didn't have Malay skin.

And the next day, Sunday, yesterday, I had nothing to do so I decided to try to make it for their interview thing at the esplanade library, but I left the house so freaking late and missed it. And I guess I was ok with it. I thought I'd go watch the free performances around. Until........ I saw them. Walking out of Esplanade after the interview. But I was too hesitant to go up to them already. And that sucked and made me feel really annoyed with myself. So I called Farah and I spazzed to her and hated on myself while she tried to persuade me to go up to them but then I lost them. Thank you Farah hahaha I think my brains would have like, melted and leaked out of my nose if I didn't have you to rant to.

K bye. They are on their way to freaking Texas now. Sigh. Come back soon, Craft Spells.

Oh wait. And I met Russian Red's Lourdes too! But it was awkz awkz awkzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz :-(

Oh and then I also watched the free performances and had intense eyesex with this sexy keyboardist from some band while he played. I thought their actual performance was quite...... lame.... though...... K. 

Remember Laneway?

Hello. Vanessa has sent me pictures from Laneway and they are making me all nostalgic for that weekend again. I spent the later part of Laneway with this group of girls :-) Photos by Vanessa or Nooranah or Tajpreet or Melissa hahaha.

Also, my shiny dress can be seen here!!! I do not know when it will ever be appropriate to wear anymore.

Is that shooting star in the dark sky still valid for a wish?

It's been a while

The laptop has been a stranger to me these past couple of weeks. Up until yesterday afternoon, I'd been internet-less and busy preparing for my interview at Lasalle. I left a lot of my portfolio to the last minute and  ended up pulling an all-nighter before deciding I should catch a bit of sleep from 8 to 11 in the morning, right before the interview. Thank god for my frayed nerves and the butterflies and the adrenaline running through my blood for they kept me more awake than I had even hoped to be for the audition.

The interview was... okay I guess. It was a group interview and we each had to present one piece from our portfolio. I chose my pencil & watercolour portrait of my mother. It's not a real-life representation of her features. More symbolic, and focusing on her state of mind. Or my impression of her state of mind, rather. It was based off this painting I did when I was around nine or ten. The 'then' painting was very positive. I portrayed my mother as something of a warrior woman who fought her bipolar disorder with courage and determination and recovered from her episodes with grace and optimism. She had long colourful hair that was her craziness that was thrown back with the wind. She was free. The 'now' painting has her hair, still multi-coloured, wrapped tight around her throat and shoulders and chest. I suppose it was me feeling like she has fallen too deep and is now trapped and has been trapped in a high that has lasted since last year. I would post a picture but I have no camera and the webcam is too grainy and makes the colours dull.

I wish I was this clear in my explanation yesterday. But I wasn't, because I freaking cried while trying to present this piece. Yeah I don't even know!!! I honestly didn't expect that. I felt so stupid and weak after, but I also realised that this whole mother issue has cut really deep lately. I kept hearing her words too. Words spoken under the influence of mania. "It's actually a good thing that I'm high, don't you see? All of this will be rich fodder for your artwork!" I felt like slapping her when she said that. But there is truth to it.

Anyway, after all that drama, and after the creativity discussion (I was a bit too quiet), they told us if we'd gotten in or not, and well,

So yup!

I think I am taking this over TP's Visual Communications. Idk. Dilemma!!! But most probably Lasalle. Since I worked to get through the interview and all and have been aiming for this and the journey to school would be less stressful....... K bye internal monologue debate thing time.