Sonne

I found this shirt again after more than half a year of its being dumped in the back of my closet because of pink stains from a colour run in the wash. My hair is long enough to be put in a bun now. I am flying through the pages of The Virgin Suicides. I kind of wish I didn't have all these images from the film already in my head, though. I loved the movie, but I also wish I could have created my own Lux Lisbon instead of seeing Kirsten Dunst's face every time. I'd really love to read the book as something more than just a beautifully written report on this series of events I've already witnessed too. Re-reading Nausea has been put on hold while I finish The Virgin Suicides as slowly as possible. I don't really know how I feel about Nausea. It's sort of like... I enjoy the unhappiness and discomfort I feel when I read it, but then that uneasiness decides to linger on and trickle into my real-life and my thinking. Feel like I've been drowning in angst ever since I picked this book up. Or maybe it is other events in my life too but I prefer to think it is the book.

Work has been fine. Sometimes during the one hour of cleaning up before opening, we blast rap music from 8 years ago and dance. Ray keeps accidentally eating peanuts and having scary allergic reactions. The youngest chef in the kitchen is cute and ever since my brain established that, I have become disgustingly shy around him. The weird butch got fired at last. On Tuesday, Shan, Didi and I went to town after our lunch shift. We went shopping for Didi's pants at H&M but he couldn't find anything so we went to Cineleisure, where we had pasta for lunch and Shan insisted on paying for me. My managers are lovely. Didi found his $100 jeans and we walked around a bit more, but then they had to go back to work again. I went window shopping for a bit. Tried on this pretty skirt at Topshop which was still $50 after sales discounts and that made me want to cry, so I went to Kinokuniya for books instead. I read bits of books and then bits of magazines and stole glances at this beautiful man who was browsing in the same magazine section as I. My ovaries could not take it so I moved to the bestsellers and holy mother of fuck, so did he. And then he caught me staring and I felt stupid so I ran to hide among taller bookshelves in the literature section and buried my nose in The Virgin Suicides, which I ended up buying.

Now I am going to make myself a dinner of couscous and spiced vegetables with vegan sausages because I am sad that I couldn't find anyone to go see Monster Cat with. Normally I would think "fuck the world" and go alone but today I suck and I'm thinking "fuck the world :'''( " and I just want to hide from it ok bye.