bubbles bubbles straight to my head

Things to look forward to in the weeks to come:
- Having this whole week to relax because Relish is on holiday
- Free time to complete my portfolio, which is not even half-done yet (terrifyingly)
- Nidia's birthday picnic at the Botanic Gardens on Saturday <3
- Pay day is drawing close
- Therefore, I can buy my Laneway and Russian Red (who is going? I will go alone if I have to) tickets

And then mother of all mothers of all things to look forward to:
- Laneway Festival (It is next Sunday can you believe it?!)

Hi, making that list felt really good. That's probably the first organized thing I have done these past few days. I have been down with a case of the scatterbrains and it has made everything quite a pain. My mind is so unfocused and all over the place and I lose myself in there too often and forget about the real. I think I think too much but also not enough and I feel so fucking stupid a lot of the time. Like, really stupid. Stupid in its pure, untainted definition. Stupid as in lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull, as explained by dictionary.com. I feel this might be due in part to not having done any homework or studying or maths problem solving for so long hahaha.

It is 3.36AM as I type this sentence. I barely got any sleep yesterday, and I just came back from quite a night with the Relish people about an hour and a half ago, but my thoughts are still awake. All over the place and unfocused, but awake nonetheless. I feel like drawing. I have some nice big paper I bought a couple of weeks back. Shall cut one in half and do a portrait or something. With watercolour. I love watercolour.

I would like to say a very big fuck you to the noisy planes in the sky that keep ruining my music

I suppose today is a pretty important day, huh? The school posting results for the 2011 O level students were released this morning. I haven't been too nervous in the past few days leading up to this (85% because I knew I quite liked most of the polytechnic courses I'd chosen, 15% can't be fucked) and I was pretty sure I would sleep through the early morning results buzz because I'd had a late night. But I suppose some part of my brain decided it was actually quite excited in the end because I found myself awake and scrambling for my phone at 7.56 this morning.

So. MOE's made the announcements really convenient for us by sending us text messages with our posting results. They were scheduled to be sent out by 8, but I found that I'd gotten mine by 7 or so. You know what? It is a happy day. I got accepted into the course of my first choice: Temasek Polytechnic's Visual Communication :-) Nidia is gonna be my senior and Nadhirah is gonna be my coursemate and another Nadhirah is in Fashion Design and Syafiqah is in TP too and TP's Design School really felt like home when I went for the open house and it is all so perfect!!! Other than the fact that I will have to set aside 2 hours of travel time of course hahahahahaha.

But,

Now I am in a dilemma for you see, I have actually been aiming for Lasalle all this while. I have an interview on March 2nd and if all goes well and I get a place there, do I give up TP? I did not feel as 'at home' as I did at TP when I went for Lasalle's open house, but I am definitely more interested in learning Fine Arts than Design.... But I like TP's Design School and I like that I have friends there and all..... OK you know what, I shall leave this to when the interview is done and I know if I am accepted into the school or not. For now, I am a TP Design School student yay!

Tonight Relish is having a CNY gathering and we're all going to the Serangoon Gardens outlet for a party! It will be nice to see everyone dressed up.

No.

O

Hi friend, fancy a trip to the Moon? The ride is absolutely free and the rocket travels at the speed of your internet connection! Your ticket is ready and waiting in the info box so all you gotta do is click on the Moon and in 3 2 1, we will blast off into a space that is not outer-space but is still a 'space', a blog, my art blog haha hehe huhu. There is only one post for now and my moon is quite barren but you should visit from time to time because I am inviting many more of the characters in my drawings to take up residence there. They don't really have a need for oxygen, see. Anyway, planet hazedunfazed is a bit too big and diverse and real-life and they'd get lost here, so they're better off up there where they may be with their friends. I promise it will be fun! See you there!







No Past Land by Russian Red, who is coming to play two sets for the Mosaic Music Festival here in Singapore. March 11th. I have been waiting <3

When you get your groove on

I just had the laziest day ever but I feel so fucking drained. I've been extremely cranky these past few days and I hate it. I feel like I haven't felt love in a while. Like love for a friend, or love for my grandma or love for myself or love for an inanimate object that holds a certain value to me. I can't even talk about love for a boy (or a girl) in that way because I have never loved. And I honestly really think that I never will because I am so afraid to let anyone in, even as a new friend. I am terrified of human beings and terrified of being human and of this huge range of feelings and emotions that most of the time I think do not even have a name, that comes with the package. I have always been very empty on the inside but something makes me want to rip everything out so I can be even emptier. More distant. Distant is a good word to describe me. Sometimes I think I am feeling all of this because I don't really have a family right now and all this absence and unfulfilled roles and feelings of abandonment are eating away at me. My mother's gonna be in hospital even longer than the time before (that was about 40 days) and I haven't had a proper, sane conversation with her in what must be 2 months. My father hasn't called in forever (not even on my birthday not even to ask about my O level results) and will probably only text on the 25th to say "Ayesha, I have transferred your money to your bank account" and I will reply "Thanks, Aba :)" and that will be the only things we will say to each other (not even face to face or voice to voice) until the next 25th rolls around. I haven't seen my brother in a really long time since he lives with my paternal grandmother 'cause he has never gotten along with the grandma I stay with since he was three (I suspect it is because my brother reminds her of my dad) and my mother finds it more convenient to chuck him in a different house than try to be peacemaker. I miss him. And there are all these weird feelings of guilt that are starting to tug at my heart because I haven't been there as his older sister to guide him, talk to him, listen to him rant about our terribly flawed parents because God knows he probably has a lot to say. I feel so sad for him because my mother found out that my dad was cheating when my brother was only a few months old. That was when she experienced her first manic episode and was diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder. So it's like, he's been having to cope with all this shit since he was a little baby. And he has had it harder than me because my maternal grandmother has been quite abusive to him ever since he could talk. He lives in the virtual world most of the time now. I think that is his safe place. I am glad he has one. I don't really know what mine is. Art? I guess. I have been having all these ideas for future art pieces I can do running around in my head and they all sound really exciting. But at the same time my mood is like, bordering on crazy and sometimes I don't sleep and I am so afraid that I'll end up snapping sometime soon and be fucking bipolar like my mom. Sometimes when she's starting to get high, and I can tell because she's keeping late nights and spending all her time on the computer and making all sorts of grand plans, and I keep telling her to go to sleep, she shoots back at me telling me to go sleep myself because I'll get bipolar too. It's genetic or some shit like that. I don't know. But I know I have more than three relatives who have it. The other day my grandfather scolded me for staying up late and told me I was going to end up like my mother. I quite hate him. No, not only for that. Sigh. Someone please buy me a ticket to USS so I can scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and maybe puke. Screw these fucking teenage hormones I don't need to be even more emotional man.



The National - Runaway

I really really like prints

Hi. Feeling a bit better. It is a self-declared Ayesha day and today I am appreciating myself (as you can probably tell from my camwhoring). Going out of the house in fifteen minutes to treat myself to food or something + draw yay.

An update

I have had a pretty eventful week.

This whole past weekend was spent with Soufi. We had a sleepover at her place Friday and Saturday night. Saturday morning, she found out that she was invited to go for The People's Party for free because she'd been ALO for a band called Tenderfist at UpToTheSky. They were performing for TPP and put her on their guestlist. She also got me a free pass from her friend and so I got to go as well. Day 1 of TPP was basically Monster Cat, Tenderfist, Plainsunset, Eatmepoptart, then The Jezabels and Metronomy!!! Ok I'm gonna lay it out here: I'd yet to listen to any of these bands (or DJs) even when I left for Scape to see them. But it was okay because I still had lots of fun. It was interesting I guess, having my first taste of a band's music in the form of a live show. Soufi and I got to watch all the bands from the barricades that day because the crowd was small and people decided to spread out around the room. Also, we made friends with the people around us and we'd take turns to defend our spot when we went for breaks (sometimes with the Tenderfist boys who have this really goodlooking friend oh my god). I loved all the bands we saw this day. We danced and swayed and bobbed our heads a lot.

Day 2, I bought my own ticket because there weren't anymore spare passes. But I had to go back home to drop off my stuff and then to Scape so I ended up coming after Muon, The Analog Girl, Noughts and Exes AND Unknown Mortal Orchestra played, but ah well, The Naked and Famous and Bombay Bicycle Club were really, really fun and the crowd was lovely. Lots of dancing, head-bobbing, swaying on everyone's part. It was also Jack Steadman of BBC's birthday and the crowd sang him a birthday song :-) I miss my weekend.

Today I went to Sentosa with my school friends. It was a very nice day. It was really hot before six, but swimming was nice and people-watching was fun and the company was good. It was a very needed escape from home because my mother has gone high high high. She left the house early this morning and we didn't know where she'd gone, but in the evening we got a call. Apparently the police took her in for being crazy and sent her to the hospital. That is that I suppose. But really man.. it's only been a week since she was discharged.

It is five a.m. Time to sleep before I get my angst on.

I'll bury your head in a bed of swords

Hi all.

I have been living pretty lonely these past three weeks. A day after my last post I was down with a stomach flu that lasted all of a week. Week 2 of my absence was due to my internet connection and phone line being cut because in my mother's high she didn't pay November's bills. Since she was still unwell and in hospital, December's bills went ignored as well. But meh, I survived cold turkey quite painlessly. I have been cooping myself up in my little bubble, although sometimes I come out to work, or to spend time with special people who make me feel like things like love and friends and good relationships with other human beings are all not non-existent. Hi Syadza.

My mother came home earlier today. Yesterday. Whatever. I have not been very welcoming. I don't think it was a good day for her to come home. I got my O level results today. I was devastated at first, but I have come to accept it all. I actually kind of feel I deserved it. Everything happens for a reason; maybe this will teach me a few things about hard old life, eh? My pride has died for the moment, but it is ok. I will redeem myself by getting into a good art school/design course.

Also, here's wishing you a happy second week of the new year and a happy rest of the year. I am looking forward to all the fresh starts this year shall bring me. New school, new friends, new stage of life (I'm gonna be seventeen....?)...

I'd gone out on New Year's Eve alone with plans to soak up the festive vibes in town as more of an observer than a partaker in the celebrations, but fate brought Maya and Nadhirah along and I ended up spending the evening with them. We had good fun and we had a good dinner but they left around nine to meet their families. I lingered on until close to midnight, sitting in Wisma Atria's Starbucks (my favourite thus far) and drawing. My grandmother called, reminding me it was late, so I thought to just head home.

I tried to get to the MRT by the underpass in the basement but everything was locked and shuttered and empty, so I took the lift back up to the first floor. The lift, however skipped my stop and went up and up and up and I was convinced I was going to either a. be abducted by a serial killer and die a gruesome death at midnight while the rest of town is preoccupied with wishing each other a happy new year and chugging down their alcohol or b. run into some pontianak or whatever creepy restless ghostly spirit and end up pissing myself. The doors opened on the fourth floor and I was prepare for the worst, but it was only a group of teenage boys who asked if I knew how the hell to get out of there. I ended up spending my last few minutes of 2011 running around the deserted shopping centre with a bunch of people I did not know, but it was quite fun. I could have counted down with them, but I was feeling a bit sad so I decided to go home. Midnight came while I was sitting in a train cabin with depressed-looking people. Nobody said happy new year or burst into cheers, only looked around awkwardly to see if anyone else would.

Ha. All the best for 2012, guys.