Want to stick pins in my eyes and nails and gums and feet and scalp and shoulders and then roll down a hill, off a cliff and into a pit of fucking lava.

I had a happy afternoon with friends Syadza and Maya, but night fell and I have been thinking and I have been beating myself up for running away from everything and everyone and I am sorry if I have been distant and distracted and lol maybe I am just getting my period soon but man my feelings suck and I hate how my reflex action to anyone caring or anyone needing me at all is to back away and bubblewrap myself in thick layers of detachment. I don't want bubblewrap. I want bruises and cuts, and pins in my eyes and gums and nails. But I don't know. Been bubblewrapping my whole life I don't know how to stop.

get out of your head

Easy Saturday vibes on this no work day. Woke up feeling rested and with Best Coast and Wavves and twangy guitars floating through the empty house. I think I'll stay in and try to clean up my room or do stuff that might let me feel at least a bit accomplished by the end of the day. The angry heat outside approves of that plan. I am angry at the heat and trying to cool down by eating frozen seedless grapes and drinking iced tea. Hmm I should make a to-do list. Lists are good for pressurising you into finishing all your stupid tasks. Checking things off of them is good for reassuring yourself you are not a fat lazy potato blob. I shall make a list.

THINGS TO DO TODAY:

1. Make breakfast for myself

2. Make my bed

3. Sort out the mess in my closet

4. Do laundry

5. Clean up the rest of my room

6. Think of what to have for lunch/early dinner

7. Not burn the kitchen down while making said lunch/early dinner

8. Make madafuckin cola popsicles while I'm at it (hey ayesha i think you're getting ambitious)

9. Think about life

10. Call my dad up about the MOE tuition grant form I need to submit before Monday

11. Wish that school started earlier

Next Tuesday, Arajua is playing at the Esplanade outdoor theatre. I want to go this time, after being late and missing their set at Baybeats last year. I really really like their music, man.

(EDIT 7.26 pm:)
I am a fat lazy potato blob.

comfortable company

Had a change of heart; heartache can wait. I had a really nice afternoon with Syadza. We were supposed to meet after her lecture ended at twelve but it finished earlier and she ended up calling my home phone to wake me up. I was about 2 hours late but Syadza always understands. We walked around Somerset for a while and then we sat down at the cafe called Black in the building behind 313 for a smoothie, a scone and some stories. After that we played around with her macbook's photobooth and that was just a lot of stupidity and giggling.

table 303

been dancing to this the whole night and sigh i want heartache i've never had this kind of heartache


and


i want to paint daisies onto the back of my mom's huge denim shirt


also


i am usually strict about letting myself even think this but dear god i wish i was skinnier and prettier and not such a big huge stupid idiot

i think you were raised by fairies

I've stolen quite a few things from my mother's cupboard over the years, my favourites probably being the long maroon skirt that my grandma altered to fit me (when I was 12 but I think I haven't grown much since), a brown dress and a denim shirt that is 10,000x too big for me. The dress and the denim shirt were actually maternity clothes my mom wore when she was pregnant with me. Maybe I will be wearing them when I am pregnant with my first baby too.

I like having little stories or bits of history woven into my clothes because when I put them on again I feel like I am wearing parts of my life/ my mom's life/ a stranger's life. A few of my favourite bits of information that go with articles of clothing:

• A drunk Justin of Craft Spells stroked the sleeve of my giraffe shirt and called it the coolest shirt ever and then I fell in love with his stupid face.
• My sheer black romper will always be Lykke Li show 2011 to me. It was the best.
• My gold dress is sweaty smelly Laneway 2012 and great bands and o m g
• This zara kids dress I have is Jakarta 2009 with my dad, step-mom and half-siblings. I stroked a lion cub, watched a baby orangutan curl its delicate fist around my finger and wanted to cry for the animals because I hated the thought of their being in captivity for the rest of their lives so the park could make money off of them. At least their enclosures were big drive-through areas instead of tiny ones like at the singapore zoo.
• All of the scarves I used to tie around my head went through my hippie days with me, from singing Three Little Birds with Japanese traveling band Bun and Shoji, to smoking under banyan trees at dusk and walking around barefoot, to just feeling at peace with everything
• And my David Bowie t-shirt..... if you see me in that then I am probably not wearing a bra hahaha

I don't have many clothes. I have maybe ten different pieces that I've been wearing since forever. Later today, though, I'll have one more because I can finally collect my pastel green parka from modparade!!! I hope it fits me alright so I can be satisfied with my first online shopping experience. Anyway in about 12 hours I will be working at Wild Oats at Mount Emily. There is an event or something with Wild Rocket but they say the Wild Oats job is quite relaxed. I'm still excited. I love earning money for showing up.

Hi.

Haven't had my fix of mind-bending movies in a while so I made a list of some I shall watch within these next couple of weeks.

1. Melancholia by Lars Von Trier



2. Antichrist by Lars Von Trier



3. Strange Circus by Sion Sono



And then I want a cute movie so:

1. Moonrise Kingdom by Wes Anderson



This one comes out in theatres in a few months I think.

Ok off to work. Here's hoping I don't cough my lungs out onto someone's burger.

Y

Had a sick weekend in, coughing until I can feel the veins in my temples about to explode and having wonderfully creepy dreams and hating the way everything tastes. I keep missing the bands I like on the Coachella live stream because I sleep a lot but I think I am too tired to really be sad. I caught the encore broadcast of Bon Iver, though, and that was amazing. So much energy from everyone in his band. Also, he shaved off his beard. I hope he comes to Singapore soon. Now Florence and The Machine is on :-)

asjdjhdfjjgkdjl

I am done with my mother.

I'm gonna be 18 next year.

I don't need her.

(yes, she's high again and missing again and why did I not see this coming)

Pretty lights

Pardon my absence. Life has been busy. Remember how I told that guy I didn't really go to see movies? It was true. Somehow, though, I ended up going to see The Hunger Games with Usop-retty (Farah lol) the next day and a week later, A Separation with my mother. She was discharged from the hospital last week. I enjoyed both movies a lot, although I have to say that A Separation is one of the most stressful films I've come across. It's an Iranian story about a family that is breaking up, religion, caring for aged parents, pride and honor, blame and lots of heartbreak - pretty heavy material heightened by the fact that it was all in a language foreign to me. For two hours I just sat there, transfixed but anxious and painfully helpless, as the events unfolded. I walked out of the cinema feeling unhappy, but definitely not disappointed. The cinematography and the colours and the people in the film were very beautiful too.

Other things that have been happening include Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day with Farah and then giggling at books in Kinokuniya, seeing Syadza for the first time in a while and having some more Ben & Jerry's, and a Lau Pa Sat dinner with my mother and brother last night, which made me feel whole again. My mother has been home for about a week, but only yesterday did I finally let myself open up to her again. It was nice to share with her all that she'd missed these past five months and to listen to her silly recounts about the other mental patients from her ward. If you follow me on twitter you probably wanted to slap me for being so happy. But last night, after taking panadol for flu with her sleeping pills and then realising that she wasn't supposed to, my mom had a sleepless night. That is quite worrying but let's just hope she manages some rest today to make up for it.

This morning, I woke up to French toast for breakfast and a pizza baking in the oven and the drone of channel news asia on TV that my grandmother had dozed off to. It was one of those Saturday mornings that feel like everything is in its right place in the universe. I've been lazing around the whole day but I'll need to get ready for work soon. Have I told you about the freak? We've got a new full-timer at Relish and she's the weirdest creepiest most over-bearing human being I know. She is 26, has shaved the sides of her head, is a self-proclaimed lesbian and also has some mental issues. She keeps standing too close to me and cornering me and looking me up and down with her beady eyes and saying through the stench of chain-smoker breath, "16 years old.... So young......" I feel so violated every time because what the fuck is that supposed to mean?!? Everyone at work hates her and bitches about her and sometimes right to her face but I think she's quite oblivious. My boss tells me to be mean to her because she has to learn. I've been trying.