Is it strange that I now feel chained to this new-found freedom I have been waiting on for so long? It feels like there is a certain pressure to be doing something worthy with all this time laid out for me. It doesn't feel very good.
I have been watching a lot of television on both the actual thing and on my laptop. I started watching Skins a couple of weeks ago and watched the first season within the weekend. I've also been watching this reality TV Project Runway-esque thing called Work of Art: The Next Great Artist for like... inspiration for that portfolio I need to finish soon. I like the first season more than what I've seen of the second.
Anyway, I'm pretty damn terrified about securing a place in a school next year. I'm fucking scared. I just really want to do art after this and the chance of getting rejected feels more real than actually getting accepted. I'm worried I'll screw up my interviews because I am so horrible at presenting anything at all. I'm afraid that my work won't be good enough because I neglected to put in enough time and effort into developing my technical skills and ideas and styles and whatever. Man. I am also feeling super insecure about not having taken O Level Art or any art classes before. I don't know how to go about the whole process of creating a piece. The research, conceptualising, preparatory sketches and all that jazz... Haha I don't even know if that's what it is! Sigh. I'm feeling quite small right now. But I shall make use of whatever time I have left. I didn't put in as much effort as I should have for Os. I need to work as hard as I can for this thing I really, really want now.
I spent yesterday with Syadza. It was a really good no-plans-let's-just-go-with-the-flow day. We met at City Hall and ended up walking round Suntec, sharing a macaroni & cheese and deep-fried breaded mushrooms at Swensen's, and eventually walking to the Singapore Art Museum where there was an amazing exhibition called The Burning Gaze by Korean artist Hyunk Koo Kang. He does a lot of monochrome portraits and they are so bloody realistic and intense, I got a shock when I saw "Oil on canvas". Looking at established artists' works makes me want to work hard to get to that level. Yet at the same time I still feel like I'd be better off just.. forgetting about it because I'll never be as good as that. And anyway my life goal is still to have a cafe that doubles as a gallery for mainly local and regional artists, and then when I'm old, to either run my own proper gallery or to become a curator in a museum..... so perhaps my own art might not be as important? I don't know. I still love doing it, though.
Tomorrow I am sharing a flea market stall with some of my friends to sell off some clothes I need to get rid of. There aren't that many so I'm wondering if it is worth it to pay $10 to try to make money off of only a handful of things? Let's hope it goes alright. Oh yeah, work didn't start this week. They couldn't slot in any shifts for me so hopefully this coming Monday shall be my first day. Trying not to get too anxious about that now.
This is so much rambling.
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