Hey Moon,

O wow I've neglected this space for almost two weeks. Let me just get this off my chest real quick: school has been terrible. We are all hard-pressed for time and energy and it is quite discouraging. Every single day is exhausting draining mentally incapacitating. I've been running on an average of three hours of sleep every night the past week and sometimes I am too tired to even eat. Today, for example, I had milo at recess and then cup noodles and ice cream after NP at around 6. I think that was dinner. I have never felt so unhealthy!

You know, I hate how our era has kind of glorified eating disorders. So many people around me have begun to starve themselves, or at least look up to those who do. And while I am uncomfortable with this sickness, I know it isn't easy to be at war with your very own body, to feel betrayed by the physical materialisation of you. I went through a mild phase of it in primary six/secondary one. I had a lot of breakdowns because of how fat I thought I was. Intellectually, I was aware that I wasn't actually fat. I wasn't blessed with long slender limbs either, but I was acceptable and should have been fine had my self-esteem been a little healthier.

My grandmother desperately wanted to put on weight as a skinny teenager in the 50s. She drank protein shakes and weight-gaining formulas, while the girls of 2011 drink laxatives and force vomit half-digested food. I think it is all a lot of hype and pop culture and just our fucked up generation's fucked up idea of beauty. It's pretty fucking destructive. But then again everyone is broken or fancies themselves broken on the inside and we think we identify with destruction of the soul so it is almost romantic now, the concept of someone being tortured by and torturing themselves for beauty (although beauty shouldn't have to fit into a size zero definition box anyway).

I don't think Panic at the Disco meant this line literally but because it is extremely relevant... As She's a Handsome Woman goes, "I wasn't born to be a skeleton".

And because I have been reminiscing my 2007-2009 Panic at the Disco obsession, here is one of their songs off Pretty. Odd. which is my favourite of the two albums they released when they were still Ryan, Brendon, Jon and Spencer.



Also, happy birthday to my beautiful friend Syadza <3