the demons I fight

Life's been alright. Right now I'm kind of annoyed because my grandmother was being really mean to my brother and I. She's always super nice to me but when my brother comes over, she switches to bitch mode. I've always kind of had a feeling that it's because my brother reminds her of my dad. She holds a pretty big grudge on my father for my parent's divorce, which ultimately led to my mother's bipolar disorder. For as long as I can remember, my grandma has always been extremely mean to my brother. Even as a five year old boy she picked on him, compared him to my father and said she hated him. It was confusing to watch as his seven-year old sister then.

Sometimes I kind of feel like I've grown up without parents. Maybe it's just self-pity, whatever. My father never sees us unless my mother tells him to. Now I think she doesn't even bother anymore. He doesn't call and we don't really want to either. My mother is ill almost every year, sometimes a few times a year, and the whole months of hospitalisation don't really leave that much time with her. She also seems to be getting more... I don't know, it's like she's become a quieter person, like she's retreating into her mind more and more. And while I really enjoy the freedom she gives me because she's so liberal, it almost borders on not caring.

Sometimes I think... maybe the reason why I try to rebel so much is because I've never had anything to rebel against at home. I've never been scolded, never been hit, never been grounded, everything gets the green light. Sometimes I tell her things and hope she gets angry at me, like the other day I told her I've tried smoking. Her eyes fucking lit up and she asked me, "Nice, right?" A few weeks back, she was bragging to our neighbour about how she doesn't want to get involved in her children's education because it's our responsibility. She sounded so proud of herself. I cut in and told her that I had to drop Add Math because I was too stupid for it. She proved her point. She cheerfully said OK and continued talking to the neighbour.

I used to tell my mom she was the best best best best best best mother in the whole wide world. I think it got to her head. Now I shall write about something happy. I'll blog about my Friday with Soufi.